work?

   It's not going to work if it's one sided. I love you, I want to be with you, but you can't keep doing this. I know it's hard, believe me, that's all I ever talk about. I'm trying to make the best of it. I know you're not here and I'm not there, as much as I wish it were like that, it isn't; but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have fun here. I'm going to make the most out of my college experience, because, after all, it is college. You only get to live these 4 years once, and I don't want to have any regrets, and as harsh as it may sound, I don't want you to fall into that category. You are not even close to being there right now, but it's really not easy for me to be happy when you're constantly upset. I know you said you'll change, and I really want to believe me; but you've said that before. I hope it holds true this time, but only time can tell.
   Our relationship shouldn't be hard work, and it usually isn't. I just need you to understand that while I have my own life here, I will always have a life with you. You will always have a place in my heart. I love you, and I don't want to be without you. I miss you so much, it hurts, which is why I need to find other ways to keep myself occupied. I can't constantly be thinking of how much I miss you or how hard it is because that really isn't healthy. I do miss you, but I can't constantly be thinking about that. I don't expect you to stay in all the time or sit around talking to me, you mustn't expect that from me. You need to trust me, and you need to trust that my feelings are going to remain true. I love you, I promise. We will be alright, so please stop worrying or whatever it is that is making you like this.

difficulties.

it's hard. I hate it, I really can't stand it. I don't know how this is going to work. Really, I don't want anyone else, but I also don't like being so far away from you. I know we'll be fine, and I know we can make it work, but for what? What if something happens? What if all this effort is wasted? What if things don't work out? What if something changes? What if I never have the courage to branch out because I can't find the confidence to say hello to someone. I like what I'm used to, I'm uncomfortable with the new. What if I can never get used to the fact that his is us now? What if you get sick of having to tell me things are going to be okay? What would I do then? What if I lost the one person I'm closest with? What if I can't handle all of this? What if I"m not strong enough? Oh, right, I'm not. What if I can't get it together? What if I fail? What if I can't stop being so negative about everything? What if I can't enjoy myself because I'm too busy worrying about what everyone else will think? What if you leave? I mean, really, why wouldn't you? I'm not special, I'm not unique, I'm so far from average it's ridiculous. I wish I could think otherwise, but really, I can't. And so, I've come to this, a worry freak who cannot stop thinking about all of the bad regardless of how many good things there are to be happy with. I can't stop thinking I'll never fit in, because I might not. I'm most afraid of that.

Yes, I love it here, but...

I still feel awkward. I still feel lost. I still feel like I don't fit in. I came with my best friend, yet I don't feel like I have one here. It's weird. I miss having someone to hang out with anytime, all the time. I feel like I've met so many people, but I don't have "that group." I feel lonely. I just want to talk to someone, that's all. I miss laughing for no apparent reason, "telepathic" communication, just everything about being sure about anything. I miss all of that.

what you don't know:

-everything that really bothers me but is totally ridiculous & stupid because it's totally inevitable and human nature.

-your co-ed floor, really hate that.

-girls knocking on your door & whatnot, very much bothered by that.

-the thought of you telling jokes, dancing, being funny, being you for that matter, with other girls. really, it just makes me really, really sad. 

-you being in study groups with other girls.

-anything that involves you and other girls.

I know, I know, I KNOW. I sound totally, super insane, annoying, crazy, jealous, etc. I know that. I just get really sad when I imagine you with other girls, I can't help but wonder what they see in you or what you see in them. It's just the stupid, jealous girl part of me wanting to be heard. It's totally dumb and irrational, I know that, but it's not going to change the way I feel. I trust you, I do. I just can't help but be afraid, because well, I'm afraid of everything, you know. 

It's not easy, I don't think it ever will be.

being with you makes everything better :)

tomorrow...

...because once I see you, everything will fall into place, just as it always done when I'm around you. I miss everything about you. I miss holding your hand, leaning on your shoulder, taking a walk, being with you. I love the way you love me, I love the way I can see it in your eyes, I love the way you hold me, I love the way you kiss me when I'm mid-sentence, I just love you. 

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that right now, in this moment, I couldn't be happier than I am with you.

O-Fest!

   Today, I attended O-Fest! It was so awesome! I walked around central mall and stopped at booths that interested me and saw clubs I might like to join. I found numerous Christian organizations I wanted to be a part of, though I don't think I can be fully committed to all of them. I'm really looking forward to attending various Bible studies and digging deeper within myself to explore my faith and see where it takes me.
   On another note, I signed up for late night marquette, outdoor adventure club, rugby, running club, and intramural soccer! I'm so excited. This year is going to be crazy fun. There are so many opportunities for service, fellowship, and fun! I'm really glad I'm at a school with strong Christian principles and plenty of options to strengthen my beliefs. It's really comforting knowing there is plenty for me to do on any given night & not be bothered with parties or illegal activities. I'm not saying they don't exist, because they definitely do, I'm just happy to not be a part of them!

What happens now?

   Let me start by saying this: I have no idea what's going to happen with us, but I do know I love you more than I ever thought I would. I do believe everything you've said to me, and I am sure I will believe everything you will. However, things can change, you can change. What's going to happen when you do, or should I say, if you do? I can't stress enough how totally and completely afraid I am of that.
   I miss everything about being with you, and if that all disappeared forever, I'm not sure how I would handle it. If we are meant to split, if that's what God has planned for me, then I know I'll be able to get through it. I don't know if that's the case, I really hope it isn't, but if it is, I know I"ll be alright in the end. 
   I still don't really know how you feel or where you stand on certain things, and it's really troubling. I hope that our differences don't get the best of us. I hope that we can make this work. I hope that I can understand everything I don't.
   I know it's not easy, and I know it's not going to be; all that I know is right now, I want to be with you. I suppose you're right when you say you don't know if things will change, and maybe they will for you, maybe they will for me too. I honestly don't know. I wish I didn't have to think about this right now, but I do, we do. 
   Something's got to give. We can't have it both ways, it's not going to be perfect, but that's something I love most about our relationship, its flaws. I love the imperfections, what makes you who you are and what makes me who I am. I love that you respect me and what I stand for, and I love how well we get a long, how much we have in common, how happy you make me, how important I feel. I love that you think I'm something special, but I think the reason I'm special is because I get to be with you. I love you, I know that whatever the future may hold, we will both get through it, somehow, someway, we will both be just fine. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel like you don't care about me the same way I care about you, or maybe you just don't understand how much I care about you. I know you say you love me, and I totally believe everything you say to me, but sometimes I wonder if you're in love with me or if you're just in love with being in love. I wish you knew how much the most insignificant things bother me. I mean, I like to say I'm not the jealous type, but college has taught me that I totally am. I wish I could tell you, but I know you'll just tell me I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. I worry about the smallest things that you probably don't even see as anything that would bother me. I'm sorry, but I can't control how I feel. I really wish it wasn't like this, but it is, and I just can't stand it. I'll just stop now before I get myself going, but for the record, I love you more than you know.