back to the basics.

   Accountability is something that is not always accounted for. Sometimes, it is so easy to get caught up the world's worries that we fail to acknowledge what is truly important in life. Unfortunately, it's easy to do what makes us happy without listening to God's word or trying to understand what he wants for us. It's upsetting to see that I have let things come to this. I'm disappointed in myself for letting what I want and what I think I need come before what is most important in life.

   With that being said, I'm going back to the basics. Square one. What made feel closest to God? What made drift away? I'm embarking on a journey with the Lord, and I intend to let him guide me through it. I am very much uncertain of what my future holds; however, i believe that if I can truly put all of my trust in God, everything will fall into place. I may not be pleased with the answers he gives me, but I know that I need to trust him and understand that he always has my best interest in mind. 

   I am very much looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am going to use this blog to hold me accountable for this journey. Each day, I will make time to sit down, write, and reflect on the day's activities. This will allow me to really think about what I've done and come to a conclusion on whether or not my actions are helping or hindering this process. Although I'm a bit nervous for what I might find, I know that in the end, I will have the answers I've been seeking.

Grandma

I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, your smile, your cheery voice and endless hugs. I miss your optimism, I miss your happiness that you graciously shared with all. I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. I wish you were here. This is the hardest, most painful experience I've ever had. I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I'm going to live my life for you. I'm going to be just like you. I'm going spread your love and joy, I'm so blessed and honored to call you my grandmother. You never spoke a mean word, you never showed anger, sadness, nor sorrow. Grams, you are the most inspiring, amazing, and incredible woman I've ever met. I would give anything to have you here with me the rest of my life. Your wisdom helped me grow. 

I suppose I need to learn to understand that you're here in a different way, and you still are with me. I know you'll never leave me, you'll always be safe in my heart. I just wish I could look at you, so happy and full of life. Now it's hard to picture holidays without you by my side. I can't imagine not sharing phone calls with you, but I guess I'm going to have to, it's all that I can do. I love you grams, you are missed and loved by all. I'll never forget the last Thanksgiving we shared together this fall.

this isn't going to be one of those "it's not you, it's me" type speeches... I mean to an extent, it's me; but it's also you. I knew this was a bad idea... I'm sorry this is the way it has to be, but quite honestly, I think it's for the best.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling really lost. I thought I finally had everything figured out, my life was making sense, things were falling into place. Then, somehow, out of nowhere, I feel like everything is falling apart instead of coming together. I really don't know what's going on. I feel lost, I feel like I'm not in control, I feel sad, and I really don't know why. I have no motivation to do anything, I'd rather just sleep or stay in. I miss certainty, I miss being happy, I miss a lot of things. I feel like every time I take a step forward, I'm put two steps back. I don't really know who I am anymore, but I don't think I like what I'm turning into. I'm trying to stop it, but I feel like I'm failing. I'm losing every battle, I'm losing myself. I want to change, I'm trying to change. I want to make sense of things again. I really hope things start to turn around.

I'm impatient. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm waiting. I'm bored. I'm happy. I'm sad. Most of the time, I don't know what I am. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I'm living this life, but I'm not actually living. I'm going through the motions to get through the days. I'm trying to be this person that I know I'll never be. It's like being myself just isn't enough, I'm just not okay. It's absolutely absurd, why am I not happy with who I am? Why am I not happy with where I am? Why am I not happy? I don't know why. I know I need to stop being so pessimistic, because that's been the theme of my life lately; and I honestly don't know why. I need to let God in. I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore, but I know I need help. I know I cannot do anything on my own, and I know that nothing will ever be solved if I don't trust in Him. So I will. I'm done living the life I don't want to be living. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm going to find out.

sorry.

   Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I go through a dozen mood swings a day, and I seriously don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stressed out. I'm really sorry for taking it out on you. I really shouldn't do that. I just get really angry for no reason, and I turn small misunderstanding into bigger issues. It's really not fair to you, and it's not fair to me either. I'm really sorry I keep screwing up. I'm sorry I keep doing stupid things. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Half the time, I don't even know why we're arguing, and I really do want to just forget about it and move on, but for some reason, there's always something that stops me from doing that, and I really don't know why. Really, I'm sorry. I love you, but I know I can't keep doing this to you. I don't know why I'm testing your limits, it's really dumb. I'm sorry for pushing you away when I all I want is you by my side forever. I tell myself the distance is fine, we'll make it through this, everything will be alright; but even though I pretend it'll all be alright, I'm hiding how much it hurts and how hard it is for me. I guess that's just how it shows. I'm sorry that's the way it is, I'm working on it. I need to find a better way to deal with the distance, because it's starting to take its toll on me. Really, I'm sorry about that. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me for all the stupid things I do.

back on track.

   I am so sick of fighting a battle and constantly losing. I'm tired of giving up. I am angry at myself for continuously letting this happen. Seriously, I'm so done. This time is for real. I'll make it happen. I'll prove myself wrong. I'm the only person I've never been able to please, and quite honestly, I'm so done with that. It's getting old. It's so obnoxious. I can't stand it. I'm so mad. I have no one to blame but myself. Really, this is no one else's fault, this is no one else's fight. It's mine. I may have lost just about every battle this far, but eventually, I will win the war.

what is space?

   What happened to us? I feel so distant from you, not in a literal sense. Maybe we are too reliant on one another, maybe we're ahead of ourselves, maybe we just need to take a step back and look at what's  happening to us. Maybe we need space. Maybe we need time. Maybe you don't need or want any of these things. Maybe I just need to think.

lost.

   Yes, we fight. Yes, we have problems. Yes, this is anything but easy, but I know that we'll be alright. I need you to trust me. How are supposed to make it through this or continue to grow if we can't trust each other. I need you to know that I would never to anything to jeopardize our relationship. I love you so much, more than anyone, and I need you to know that nothing is ever going to change that.
   No matter what happens, no matter what you do, I'll always love you. You know that. You'll always hold a special place in my heart. You are very important to me, but the more these things happen, the more distant I feel from you. It's like you're a totally different person and I'm not a part of you at all. You're not the same person I fell for, well you are, but it's hard to believe that. I miss you. I miss the you that wasn't like this. It's really hard to imagine a bright future and dream about the possibilities if we can't even get through a few minor events. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to believe.
   There's only so much you can say. There's only so much I can do, so much I can deal with. I want to believe you, I do, but it doesn't get easier when things like this keep happening. I love you, and I want to make this work. Love isn't just the fun times, the easy times, the times where everything just comes naturally without having to think. Love means working together to overcome problems, never giving up, we'll never stop fighting. I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to fail, I can't fail. I can't start over, I don't want to start over. I don't want anyone but you. No one else is as wonderful as you are, but sometimes it's so difficult to hold on to that. I feel so lost, I don't know what I want. I don't know who you are, and that kills me. I feel like I've lost you, or you've lost me; it's like we've lost each other.
   Where are you? Please come back. I'm lost without you.