childhood.

When having fun was enjoying the little things, when stress didn't exist, when happiness was always a given, when anger was over extra dessert, when love always meant hugs and kisses, when being sad never lasted more than five minutes, when imagination made every day more interesting, when creativity was not afraid, when everything was innocent and ever so simple.

& then you realize, sometimes everything you're most afraid of becomes a reality.

It's okay not to be okay.

"Meekness, temperance; against such there is now law" 

Galatians 5:23

It's okay to fall, it's okay to be imperfect, it's okay to not always be okay. We all have those days, when everything seems like it's falling apart, when tomorrow doesn't appear to be a new start. We've all been through hardship, we've all shed a few tears. It's okay, though. No one said making it on this earth would be easy. However, the way we carry ourselves through these times truly reveals our character. Patience, understanding, faith, and trust all display traits that God has taught us. We may not always feel like we can get through something, we may feel angry, we may feel lost; but patience, humility, seeking God in times of need; that is what truly gets us through, and nobody has the right to say otherwise.

Love.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about love. Love makes people do crazy things, in a good way of course (usually). Love makes people put everything out on the line, they risk it all in hopes that their feelings for another person will be returned. Love is beautiful, but love is dangerous. Love is risky, but its rewards are more abundant than any other feeling or achievement in the world. 

Love comes in a variety of forms. Sometimes, love is right before our very eyes and we fail to see it. Love works in mysterious ways; we cannot control who we love. Love just happens, "love isn't always on time."  But when love comes, when a person fully embraces the beauty of love, there is no turning back, which is why, in my opinion, when you love someone, you never truly stop. You will always have a part of that person with you, whether or not the love was requited. That's why heartbreak hurts so much. Sometimes, when the timing is off, love doesn't always work out. It's a tragedy, truly, when two people are so in love but unable to be together. Or when one person falls for another, but their love isn't ready to catch them. 

Love is very dangerous. Love can make miracles happen, but it can also bring on unbearable amounts of pain. Love can cause so much hurt, it's almost depressing. However, that's another reason why love is so wonderful. Love is so powerful, it's the strongest feeling in the world; love is a feeling people search for, sometimes without even realizing it. 

Another wonderful thing about love is that when love brings us down, it's always there to pick us back up. No matter what happens, no matter what life throws at us, God will always love us unconditionally. His love endures forever; His love is the most powerful and most pure thing ever to exist in the universe. His love is stronger than any other kind of love, His love is why we all have been given the gift of life. His love is real love. His love for us is always and will always be an infinite amount of times more powerful than the love any other person on earth can have for us. His love comes first. 

I am grateful to have found love. I have found love from my family, I have found love from my friends, I have found love from my love, I have found love from my pain. I have constantly lived in a world filled with love. Though sometimes this love has caused my pain, sorrow, such strong feelings of sadness, I wouldn't have it any other way. "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." This statement will always hold to be true. Love is such a strong feeling, and there is always somewhere to find love. It is up to us to accept love and live with its beauty. I am blessed with many different kinds of love. I am so happy for that, even on my darkest days, I can always find love. Love is always worth the risk.

Left with the memoreis.

We are all left with memories. Some good, some bad, some happy, some sad. Even the most painful of memories can hold some of the most important lessons that we've learned. Love teaches us joy, but it can also bring us hurt. Love shoes us the beauty in life, even though a heartbreak can cloud that view. Love shows us the way when there is none. Love is all around us. Love exists whether or not we've found it in God, a significant other, a relative, or a friend. Love is strong, Love is powerful, Love is changing, Love is beautiful. Love brings ups, and Love brings downs. but what's important to remember is that Love is pure, and it will forever be the purest thing to exist on this earth. Nothing will every change to beauty of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

2.1.2012.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:8-10

   Today I realized how blessed I am to have had a woman so inspirational in my life, my grams. She is such and incredible woman, and her love and spirit shall live on for eternity. I know that one day I will see her again, but for now, she will continue to guide my path.

   Today's verse of the day is very uplifting. We have all been given the miracle of life, and it is up to us to decide how we will live our own lives. We have all been created in God's image, we are all a gift, we are all different and individual. No two people are alike, and that is what is so beautiful about the lives we live. We have free will, we have been saved, we can roam this earth knowing that we never have to be alone and that there will always be a place for us in heaven. I am so comforted by the fact that God will never judge me, He will love me no matter what I do. I don't have to be anyone else but me, I am enough, He loves me for who I am, not what I do or how I dress. He loves me.

   Living for God is more than just doing good deeds or giving your time. It's having a desire to share His love with the world around us. We shan't do so in boastful way, nor should we complain when tasks become too difficult. God gave us His only son, and because of this we have all been saved. Helping  a neighbor, a friend, an enemy, anyone is helping spread God's love and helping share His joy. My goal is to live for Him before myself, to put my needs below those of others. I am not perfect, I don't always do everything exactly as God intended, but I know that with His help and guidance, I can be stronger. I can overcome any burden with his help.

back to the basics.

   Accountability is something that is not always accounted for. Sometimes, it is so easy to get caught up the world's worries that we fail to acknowledge what is truly important in life. Unfortunately, it's easy to do what makes us happy without listening to God's word or trying to understand what he wants for us. It's upsetting to see that I have let things come to this. I'm disappointed in myself for letting what I want and what I think I need come before what is most important in life.

   With that being said, I'm going back to the basics. Square one. What made feel closest to God? What made drift away? I'm embarking on a journey with the Lord, and I intend to let him guide me through it. I am very much uncertain of what my future holds; however, i believe that if I can truly put all of my trust in God, everything will fall into place. I may not be pleased with the answers he gives me, but I know that I need to trust him and understand that he always has my best interest in mind. 

   I am very much looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am going to use this blog to hold me accountable for this journey. Each day, I will make time to sit down, write, and reflect on the day's activities. This will allow me to really think about what I've done and come to a conclusion on whether or not my actions are helping or hindering this process. Although I'm a bit nervous for what I might find, I know that in the end, I will have the answers I've been seeking.

Grandma

I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, your smile, your cheery voice and endless hugs. I miss your optimism, I miss your happiness that you graciously shared with all. I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. I wish you were here. This is the hardest, most painful experience I've ever had. I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I'm going to live my life for you. I'm going to be just like you. I'm going spread your love and joy, I'm so blessed and honored to call you my grandmother. You never spoke a mean word, you never showed anger, sadness, nor sorrow. Grams, you are the most inspiring, amazing, and incredible woman I've ever met. I would give anything to have you here with me the rest of my life. Your wisdom helped me grow. 

I suppose I need to learn to understand that you're here in a different way, and you still are with me. I know you'll never leave me, you'll always be safe in my heart. I just wish I could look at you, so happy and full of life. Now it's hard to picture holidays without you by my side. I can't imagine not sharing phone calls with you, but I guess I'm going to have to, it's all that I can do. I love you grams, you are missed and loved by all. I'll never forget the last Thanksgiving we shared together this fall.

this isn't going to be one of those "it's not you, it's me" type speeches... I mean to an extent, it's me; but it's also you. I knew this was a bad idea... I'm sorry this is the way it has to be, but quite honestly, I think it's for the best.