Moving Forward

   As I reflect on everything I've learned this year and all I thought I learned in years before, I realize there is no use in blaming your past self for not knowing what you know now. How can I be sad or disappointed with myself for being happy? At the time, I truly was happy, but things change and people grow apart. It does not mean that there was never any happiness. Sometimes, it's easier not to think about that, because when you do, you remember how happy you once were and you wonder where it all went wrong. You wonder why it had to be this way, you wonder how someone could do that to you. Some days are easier than others, but ultimately I take comfort in knowing that if I truly was happy with every aspect of my past, I wouldn't be at this point in my future. I think somehow I knew that it could never be, because no matter what, there was always something to fight about, something to fix, something to change. That's no way to live, and that's no way to love.
   It makes me sad to think that after so long it ended the way it did, but I also take comfort in knowing I am strong enough to be on my own and I am capable of making my own path. When you spend so long having a plan and doing everything you can to be happy, are you really happy? What fun is it if you're always trying to ensure you're happy? Shouldn't you just be happy? As I continue to move forward, I know what I want and I know what truly does make me happy. While I will always seek to love others and offer kindness towards a stranger, I know that the people I choose to keep in my life are the people who will ultimately shape my perspective and my decisions. Moving forward, I know that things can only go up, and while starting over is one of the hardest things to do, I think that having a completely fresh start in a new city will be the opportunity I need to start over. What better way to make a new life for yourself than actually making a completely new life for yourself? Despite everything that has happened this year, I am grateful for all of my experiences, and I am truly looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

Letting the Light In

   Through times of adversity, it is most difficult to stay strong and continue to move forward. It is at times like this we must reflect the most on our life and what choices we have made thus far. Perhaps we have had a challenging time at work, maybe we have grown apart from family, or we have lost faith in those we once held close to our heart. Sometimes it can be a combination of all of these things, and sometimes it can be more. What is most important is that we don't let these events tear us apart and turn us into someone we are not. 

   This year has by far been the most challenging year I could have imagined. I started my career as a kindergarten teacher in a new city, far away from home. I spent most of the year trying to prove myself while also grasping at the threads of a relationship that continued to let me down. When I made the decision to leave this job, it seemed that things in my personal life had started to fall into place, and I was finally planning that future I had dreamed about for so long. After months of searching and interviewing, I had finally accepted a job teaching first grade at an amazing new school. Only then did I learn was that the relationship I was so certain of was nothing more than lies to hold together what little happiness we had left. It was at this moment that I realized I was done trying to convince people of my worth and it was then that I realized I shouldn't be pouring in all of my time and effort in hopes of having a happy ending. Relationships are not meant to break you down and cause immense amounts of doubt in your life, they are meant to build you up and strengthen the bonds you have with your faith, your family, your friends, and of course, one another. Walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it can also be the best thing to do. Nothing is every easy when so many people are involved and so many other lives are affected by your own. Ultimately, you need to make decisions that will make you into the person who lives in Christ's image.

   Looking back, I know that not every decision I have ever made has been what Jesus would have wanted for me, however, not many people can say that about every decision they have ever made. Despite all of this, Jesus loves us anyways, it's part of the unconditional love that Christ has for each and every one of us. This is why when people wrong us, it is so hard to stay angry, because we know that despite everything, Christ will love and accept all people in His kingdom. Forgiveness is one of the hardest gifts to give someone, especially when they have done something you don't see worthy of forgiveness. However, we are not the ones who can make this judgment call. It is not up to us to decide what sins are worth forgiving and what sins are not, in Jesus' eyes, all sins are the same, no one sin is worse or greater than another. It is because of this we must always forgive, because it will keep our hearts pure and our mind at peace. Forgiveness does not mean you agree with a decision or even believe that everything is going to be okay again. Forgiveness means that you are ready to come to peace with the matter so that you can move on with your life and live in Christ's image. Jesus created us to live a life that reflects his light in us, and if we live our life holding grudges, we will only create a bitter mind and a hardened heart. In order for us to continue to live in the light, we must let the light in, and that means keeping the darkness out.

Betrayal.

Sometimes, life throws us curves balls. And sometimes, life throws us tornadoes. One of the worst feelings in the world is having someone betray your trust. What's even worse is when that person is someone very close with you and someone that you thought would trust you enough even in the worst of situations. Whenever I hear about outrageous stories or situations people often find themselves in, I think to myself, that could never happen to me, because I could not imagine anyone I know getting themselves into such a situation.
It was only recently I found that I was wrong about that. When you learn something you never thought was even possible about someone close to you, someone you love, it truly is heartbreaking. How could you  have given this person every chance, every opportunity to be honest with you only to have them destroy every bit of trust you once held for them? How is it possible that someone so kind, so young, so seemingly innocent, turn out to be someone you never even imagined they could be? I am not sure how to process what I'm feeling, but there are just no words to express how betraying and upsetting it is to discover someone you have worked hard to care for and support has been lying not only to you, but to everyone around you.
The lying isn't even the worst part, it's just how well they were able to lie. How could someone lie so well about so many things? How could someone who had every opportunity in the world throw everything away? How could someone not realize how truly amazing their life was? Each of us is given a precious gift on this earth, and it is such a sad thing to see that gift be destroyed, ripped apart, and completely disregarded.
I don't think I've ever been so shocked by a turn of events, as I never thought I would discover such things to be true of someone I thought I knew quite well. 

Field Trip Day!

     Yesterday, my class went on a field trip to the Lincoln Park Zoo. The kids had an awesome time and I think they learned some new animal facts, too! There were some behavior problems, though overall the kids were enjoying their trip. I'm not sure if the students were rowdy because it was a summer school field trip or they just have a lot of energy stored up, but they were running around the zoo like crazy! It was a very stressful day, but I knew that they were just kids being kids, and they don't always have the opportunity to go on cool field trips, especially during summer school.

Although it was super stressful, I had a great time, and I think that if I had more time with the students, they might be less wound up if we were able to go on another trip. I only have four more days left to teach at Westcott, and I am really going to miss my students! They give me a hard time, but they also want to learn just like any other kids do. I've only been at this school for a few weeks, and already the students see me as someone they can trust. It's such a rewarding feeling to know that in some, small way, I will have left an imprint on these students' lives. On the bus, I was able to sit and talk with students I did not always have the chance to speak with in the classroom setting, which was really cool because I was able to make connections with them on a more personal level. They told me about where they like to visit in the city and what music they listen to. For me, teaching goes beyond just working with the students in the classroom. I find that an effective teacher is someone who can connect with students on a personal level while also earning the respect of her students in the instructional setting. Students need a teacher they know will support them and be a resource for them even after they leave the class and move on to another grade, and that is the kind of teacher that I aspire to be.




In the end, I know that these students will have learned something during their time at summer school, and it might take more than five weeks for these students to "catch up" to their peers, but at least they know that there are teachers who care about them as learners and are there to support them throughout their academic careers. Working at Westcott has taught me a lot about what my strengths and weaknesses are as a teacher, and I've learned about what methods I want to use in my future classroom. I'm so excited to start teaching kindergarten in the fall, and I am eager to continue my career with Chicago Public Schools. 

Westcott Elementary School

This summer, I am teaching third grade at Westcott Elementary School. I am working in the summer bridge program, the students in this program have just finished third grade and need to complete summer school so that they can attend fourth grade. For some student, they are here because they had too many absences while others are struggling in school and their test scores were too low for them to advance to the next grade. Because Westcott is a neighborhood school, during the school year many students attend other schools (charter, magnet, etc.); but for summer school, all students attend the school closest to them because every CPS school works with the same curriculum for the summer.

When I walk to this school, before even entering the building, there are already obvious differences between Westcott and most of the elementary schools in my hometown, Vernon Hills. One of the first things I’ve noticed is the proximity of schools in my hometown compared to how many and how far apart the schools are from one another. Westcott is a Pre-K – 8^th grade school, while the schools I attended were K – 5 and 6 – 8 grade schools. The schools in my hometown even appeared to be larger than Westcott although they cover a smaller range of grade levels. A few other notable differences were parking lot and playground size, which was not too surprising for me only because city space is harder to come by than suburb space.

When thinking about the differences between the two schools, I wonder how this affects the students attending these schools. Looking at demographics of the two schools, there are obvious differences and these are just based on the different locations of the two schools. The test scores of the two schools are very different as well, and I would attribute that to a number of reasons. The environments surrounding the schools are very different, as are the funding that these two schools receive. Suburban schools and CPS schools follow different types of curriculums, and this does affect the way students learn and how they score on standardized testing.

Environment plays a major role in student ability and education; students’ ability to succeed in school is affected by the life they have outside of school. If students are constantly exposed to negative environmental factors and are unable to see themselves moving forward with their education, they become products of what is called the “self-fulfilling prophesy.” If a student hears a stereotype or comment about themselves enough times, they will be more likely to fulfill this stereotype and become what people expect them to. Depending on the people students associate inside and outside the classroom shape the way they view the world and the area they live in. The more positive influences a student has, the more likely they will be to succeed. Working at Westcott has taught me that students respond to authority in different ways, and entering a new school and a new classroom takes some getting used to. Student will not automatically accept you as the authority figure simply because you’re there, you need to earn your respect. After working at Westcott for a week and a half, my students are finally starting to see me as a constant authority figure in the room, and they are seeing me as a teacher rather than just a classroom helper. It’s been difficult adjusting to the new environment, but I feel this is one of the most valuable teaching experiences I will have because I am experiencing what it feels like to teach in an unfamiliar setting. These experiences will help me continue to shape my teaching styles and apply what works to my future students.  I have really enjoyed my time, good and bad, so far, and I am eager to continue working and watching how my students develop over the next few weeks.

Our New Puppy, Rio!

Friendships with Fellows

One of the great things about this experience aside from the teaching and the courses is the friendships that are made along the way. I've only been here for a week, and already it feels like I have been working with everyone for months. This experience makes me remember why I want to be a teacher, and it helps me to remember that there are so many people passionate about working in an area that is constantly changing and adapting to new norms. I'm so excited to continue working in Chicago and continue to meet new people along the way. I could not have asked for a better group of coworkers. I am so happy with my cohort, and I am confident that when we leave this program, we will have experiences that will stay with us throughout our teaching careers. I cannot believe how fast time flies, and working with such great people makes the long days and meetings exciting and engaging. I am so grateful to be part of such an incredible organization, and I am happy that I have had the privilege of working with such an awesome group!

This morning, we played kickball with all of the other neighborhoods and staff. This was a really cool bonding experience, and it gave us all a chance to work with one another outside of the classes and professional experience. The game was all in good fun, and for a while, I forgot about all the negativity that surrounds many of the Chicago neighborhoods. For those few hours, we were just playing kickball at the park, we weren't in a "dangerous" neighborhood, we weren't uncomfortable. The park itself was really nice, having such vast amounts of green space in the city is not the most common, and the park was filled with walkers, runners, bikers; the happy faces just showed me that there is so much more to this city than people realize. So often, when people hear the term Chicago, they think of downtown and the loop area, people don't always visualize the communities or neighborhoods that make up the city. This experience has showed me there are so many great areas of the city I would have never known existed today had I not been given this opportunity. Our kickball game was in Little Village, predominately hispanic community. This area was filled with beautiful artwork, local shops, and vendors throughout the streets. I loved how welcoming everything appeared to be, and this part of Chicago is something I would never have ventured off to on any other typical day. I think in order to truly understand Chicago culture, it is important to be well informed about the different demographics and neighborhoods that exist. Visiting different neighborhoods and schools has given me the opportunity to see some of the character that exists in the city, and I never would have imagined the city is as diverse as it is. Stepping outside my comfort zone has given me the chance to see what Chicago truly has to offer, and I have a much better idea of what my teaching experience will look like.

STEP UP!

     This summer, I am participating in a fellowship program called STEP UP. For this program, I am living with a host family in the Auburn Gresham neighborhood of Chicago. Auburn Gresham is a predominately black neighborhood, so being Caucasian, I'd say that my coworkers and I are pretty easy to spot. During the program, we all teach summer school in the morning, work at a local community organization in the afternoon, and participate in classes and other activities during the evenings and on the weekends.

       I am teaching the third grade summer bridge program at Westcott Elementary school, and in the afternoons I am working for the Greater Auburn Gresham Corporation, with the Neighborhood Development Corporation. I contact local small business owners and try to engage them in some of the GAGDC programs and set up interviews with them.

       This program is designed to create a unique experience that allows us to make connections within the community we are living and working in. Living in Auburn Gresham is so unlike anything you'll find in the suburbs. Being from Vernon Hills, I can see just how different the two lifestyles are despite their proximity to one another. Traveling just 40 miles south, I've been introduced to a completely different lifestyle. The people in Auburn Gresham form somewhat of a family, the people look out for one another and have created their own unique community. However, Auburn Gresham still has its problems. At home, I walk around any time of the day without a care, and I have access to just about any type of food product, type of clothing, or other everyday item within about a five mile radius. Auburn Gresham has a few food vendors, most of which are fried food or southern style food, a Walgreens and a CVS, and a few gas stations. There are not many options when shopping for fresh food or produce, clothing, or basic household items. Many of the buildings appear abandoned or are boarded up, and those that are not appear old or run down.

       The GAGDC has a number of amazing programs that are working to lift morale and improve the area, but it appears that this neighborhood is almost frozen in time. I cannot imagine growing up in a town with so few resources and programs. There are almost no programs for children to participate in outside of school and during s summers, and I feel that this contributes to some of the other problems that exist in the area. Being one of Chicago's south neighbors, the area is accompanied with numerous negative stereotypes and violence problems. I am not going to deny that this community is scotch free when it comes to violence, but this is not a war zone as many people might think. Yes, there are gangs here; but no, I am not in direct danger. Gangs are groups that participate in organized crime, and I myself am not part of a gang or any other group that poses a threat to gangs in the area; which means I am not a target for any of the gangs or groups in this area. I don't walk around alone, and I don't take nightly strolls with friends. I have taken the necessary precautions to ensure my safety, but overall this area is not as scary as people might think. Yes, I do feel out of place and sometimes hesitant, but nobody has abruptly come up to me or made me personally feel threatened.

        The street that I live on along with other fellows in the program is made up of beautiful, nineteenth century brick houses. There are a mix of two-flats and single family homes. The houses have so much charm and character, and it's sad to see that such charming areas are virtually invisible to the rest of Chicago simply because the area has a negative stigma attached to it. I believe that if the GAGDC and other organizations keeps working, eventually, conditions in the area will start to improve. If people could look past their stereotypes and fears, they would find that Auburn Gresham is just another community with normal families who want the best for their children. I think that in a few years, Auburn Gresham could blossom into a safer and more inviting area to outsiders. With the right investments, time, and care, this community could turn into a more positive area and possibly attract more outsiders to come by and visit. My hope is that one day, Auburn Gresham appears to be as lively as some of Chicago's other neighborhoods and that visitors can see the character and community atmosphere that exists in Auburn Gresham.

Privileged

I am privileged. I live in a privileged world. I come from a privileged family. I have grown up living a privileged life. I do not take the life I have for granted. In a world with so much heartache, pain, and suffering, I can find comfort knowing that I had the privilege of growing up somewhere I did not have to experience so much pain, so much suffering, so much sadness. I'm not saying I've never felt pain and that I've never faced heartache, but the challenges I've faced are so different than the challenges other people face. Sometimes, I feel that I might take my challenges for granted. While the concept may be difficult to grasp, I know I need to be grateful for all of the challenges that I have faced. The challenges I have faced have helped build my character, but they have never been overwhelming to the point where I felt that I needed to quit. 

Life's daily obstacles are there to build character, teach lessons, and encourage us to keep moving forward. God will never give us more than we can handle, He will never push us past our breaking point, He will never leave us with a problem we cannot solve.

Life is a challenge, but it is also simple. Life is chaotic, but life is pure. Life is a gift, one that should not be taken lightly.

Finding beauty in all things is one of the many gifts God has given us.

Contrary to what most people say, don't live everyday like it is your last. Live everyday like you've just been given life. Live everyday like it is the first day you've been born. Try new things, participate in new experiences, broaden your horizons, and never lose faith. There is beauty all around us, but that beauty is only visible to us if we take the time to seek it out.

Move forward, live your life, but never lose sight of who you are and what you have been given. Do not look down upon your obstacles, but embrace them. Turn your weaknesses into strength, use your strengths to defeat your negativity, and most importantly, believe in the person you are today, but also the person you will be tomorrow.

This One's for the Girls...

Sometimes, we get so caught up in life that we forget to take a step back and look at where life is taking us and where we have been in the past. I can say with absolute certainty I wouldn't be where I am today without my girlfriends. 

People say that after high school, you start to lose touch with your old friends and move on to make new friends. While I've made new friends in college, my high school friends will always have a special place in my heart. There's a special bond there. Maybe that bond stemmed from knowing one another for almost your entire childhood, or maybe it's because they were the ones who comforted you when you had your first heartbreak, your first fight with your parents, your first fallout with each other, and they were the ones who were always there to pick up the pieces and put them back together. I'm not saying there hasn't been heartbreaks and fights since arriving to college, but I do know that you just don't forget those sorts of things. People like that don't just walk out of your lives. You keep them around, whether that means skyping now and then or seeing each other a couple times a year, that bond never really goes away. Your friends are your friends, and they'll always be there for you, even if they can't physically be there. 

I could not be more grateful for the friends I have today, old and new. I know that at the end of the day, no matter what, I'll always have someone to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. 

God Bless the Broken Road that Led Me Straight to You...

I absolutely love this song. I can't help but smile whenever I hear it. Every time I listen to this song, I think about all the struggles and setbacks I've faced and I look at how they have shaped the person I am today and led me to all of the beautiful blessings I have in my life today. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life. I never thought I would reach this point in my life where things are just starting to fall into place. I am starting to feel more independent and more accountable for my actions. I am eagerly awaiting what the future holds for me, and at this time in my life, I feel like I have a true sense of self and what I want to do with my life. I'm applying for my student teaching soon, I am in a serious, committed relationship, and I have a loving family. I don't know what else I could possibly ask for, and I am thankful to have all of these blessings in my life.

Be Content.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

-Philippians 4:1

Sometimes, we face stressful situations in life, and sometimes those situations involve dealing with stressful people. The best thing anyone can do in a situation like that is turn the other cheek. Despite the feelings of anger and frustration, it's important not to lower yourself to another level. It's important to stand your ground and stay true to who you are, it's important to be very best form of the one and only you. There is nobody on this earth like you, for God created you in his image, and you alone can fill your own shoes. It's easy to lose sight of what is truly important in life, for we are constantly surrounded by worldly desires and worldly needs, when in reality we need to focus on our spiritual needs and what God needs from us. It's important to always keep this in mind when times are tough, when things go wrong, when it's often hard to determine what do next. While things aren't always clear right away, time has a way of working things out. In time, we gain clarity; in time, we learn patience; and in time, we find ourselves.

Things are looking up.

Sometimes things aren't so great, but that doesn't mean you walk away. I know I've been doubtful and distant lately, but isn't everyone entitled to their space? While I may not be 100% certain that things are going to work out as planned, but I know I'll be okay. I know what I want, but I don't know if it will work out. I can only hope for the best and that the future holds good things. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm not sure of what is to come. I just know that if I keep taking things one step at a time, they will in fact work out. I need to stop doubting and start believing, because nothing can ever be fixed if someone is only giving partial effort. 

Time.

Things were starting to get better, you have to give them time. Things aren't going to miraculously improve overnight. I need time to process and think. Sometimes things aren't going to come instantaneously, and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with time. I just don't know what's going on right now, and I need to figure it out. 

Sometimes I wonder about the path I'm walking down and what that path holds for me. I'm surprised at where I am in my life right now, but I know that I will find the answers I'm looking for if I'm patient. Not everything in life is going to come easy, and I need to accept that. God does not give us anything He knows we cannot handle. Although right now I feel overwhelmed, I know that if I trust in God, everything will be okay because I will never be alone. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes me, I will not have to go through it alone. I am so thankful for that, and I take comfort knowing that God will always be here for me. I am grateful to have such an amazing God to watch over and protect me. I am so blessed to have the most amazing guardian angels anyone could ever ask for. Just thinking about all of the small blessings I have makes everything seem okay, it makes all of my worries melt away and my problems seem insignificant. I just need to be patient, because change takes time.

"But Joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God."

                                                                                         -Psalm 146:5

Home.

Home is wherever I'm with you. 

Walking Together.

"When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours."

It's important to have people in your life who can lift you up when you're down, who can comfort you when you need it, and who can turn to you when they need advice. I believe that in order to grow closer to God, you need to have people in your life who are strong in their faith and can encourage you to do the same. 

Right now, I believe that I need help growing closer to God, and I need someone who can be that rock for me. I just need a friend who can help me grow, I need a friend that can really be there for me. I'm not sure about a lot of things going on in my life right now, but of this I am certain. I cannot walk this path alone, I need a friend to bring me closer to God. I need someone to talk to about my problems and to help me grow. It's not an easy path to walk down on your own, and I suppose I've learned that the hard way. I've spent all this time thinking things would just fall into place, and now I'm realizing that they're not. I need to play an active role in the process,  need to actively seek God and make change. There is no one who can make these decisions for me, no one is going to fix my problems, and nobody is going to fight my battles for me. 

I am going to be that person, I'm going to take action. There's no use in sitting on the sidelines hoping things will change. I have to make things change, and I will.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

-Proverbs 17:22

If your world is crashing down, do you fall with it or keep fighting?

Things have been rough the past few weeks, really rough. I can honestly say I'm not sure where things are going, and I really don't know what the future holds for me. I know that things will get better, but I'm not even sure what that means. Get better? What does getting better really mean? Does it mean things going back to normal, or does it mean things will actually start to improve? I'm really not sure.
I'm starting to wonder what is really good for me and what I want for myself. Recent events have lead me to rethink many things about my life. I'm not sure that I'm happy, but I also don't know what I need to do to be happy. I'm going to start with the basics and focus more on my faith than anything else. I have come to the realization that I've been searching for answers in all the wrong places. I don't know what I want for myself or what I want to do. I'm hesitant to move forward, but afraid to move backwards. I really don't know what to do or what to think, I'm lost and confused and I think I just need some space.
I need time to think, time to process what's going through my head, time to figure out what I need to do, because right now I have absolutely no clue.
I'm happy and sad at the same time, I'm certain and scared, I'm excited and nervous about what the future holds.
I love him, but I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm curious, but I don't know if that will lead to anything. I'm confused because I have so many emotions running through my brain right now, and I really don't know which path to follow. It's frustrating and nerve-wracking  and there doesn't seem to be an easy answer, at least not any time soon.
As the days continue to drag on, the hours pass slow, I'm thinking about everything and I still don't know. I'm just looking for a sign, I'll wait patiently, but that doesn't make things any easier. 

I will love you for you.

I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

There are times when I feel lost, confused, and uncertain about what lies ahwad. Being away at school has taught me so much about myself. I have learned that I am stronger, more capable than I ever imagined I'd be. My life has taken its fair share of twists and turns. 2 years ago, if you told me this is where I would be, I never would have believed you. I would've have told you that you are crazy. I never once thought I would be in a long distance relationship, I never thought I would end up changing my major three times and transfer schools, I never thought I would be the person I am today. I used to be so afraid and uncertain about the future, I used to be so scared. While I am still not certain of what exactly lies ahead of me, I am fully confident that I can handle any challenge, and I know exactly what I want to happen; heck, I'm almost positive I could tell you roughly where I see myself in 5 years. And I know that I wouldn't have it any other way, I couldn't be happier with the way things have played out for me. I am so grateful for everything I have and everything to come.

remembering isn't always a bad thing.

Overwhelmed by stress and frustration. I wish things were simpler, I wish things worked out the way I planned them, I wish that more of my wishes came true. 

Right now, what I need more than anything, is a hug from my Grams. I miss her like crazy. Every time I think about the holiday season, I'm excited to celebrate; but it's always followed by feelings of grief and sadness because I know she won't be there. Everyday is a new day, it's a new first day without being able to hear her voice. I wish it wasn't like this. I get angry because I think it's unfair, and I am always confused as to why she can't be here for me; but then I realize how selfish that is. It is quite possible that, for her, moving on to heaven was in her best interest. Maybe she really was struggling to hold on to her life on earth so that she could be with her family longer. She never put her own needs before anyone else's. I suppose it's learning to cope with that understanding of the situation that is the most difficult. I know that moving to a better life is what she needed, but that doesn't mean I was ready to let her go. 

I think the reason I've been thinking about this so much lately is because I'm at a new school, starting over. Last year I remember getting singing cards and cute letters from her by this point in the year, I could go for a walk throughout campus and giver her a call just to catch up. It's hard not being able to do that anymore. It's even harder to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to do that again, at least not literally. 

People always say, 'it's going to be okay, you know she's always with you,' and I know they're right, but that doesn't make it easy. I love walking around wearing her cross, it's something that makes me feel like she's always with me and close to my heart. It's something that reminds me I'm not alone, I have the greatest guardian angel anyone could ever ask for. It reminds me that she is one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given me. 

When I'm feeling down, all I need to do is look up and know that she is up there with God watching over me, and that brings me comfort in her passing. 

Some people might think that because it was so long ago, I should have come to terms with her passing by this point; but death isn't something anyone ever really accepts. People learn to live their lives as best they can without their loved ones, but they never forget what it felt like to lose them. Carrying on gets easier and harder at the same time, but the best way to get through it is to continue looking up and never forget who is watching over you with more love than anyone could possibly fathom.