Church!

   I'm going to church soon, and I'm really excited! The service today is supposed to be really cool, and a good amount of the freshman class is planning on attending. The church itself is the most well-known around campus. It's simply gorgeous. I'm really looking forward to going to that I have time to listen, reflect, worship, and prepare myself both mentally and spiritually for the week ahead of me.

Today I'm feeling... much better.

Getting back.

What if everything just stopped? What if time froze? What if, for just one minute, you step out of your life and actually see the world? Sometimes, I find myself so caught up in the chaos of everyday life, I forget to take a step back and actually look at the life I'm living, the kind of person I am.


One of the things that scares me most in this world is that I will turn into somebody I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if the person I am is in fact the person I want to be. Losing myself is one of the easiest things to do without even realizing what's happening. I'm away at school. I'm surrounded by totally different people who don't know who I am, who know nothing about me. It's kind of crazy to think about. I can be anyone I want, though, I don't really know what that means. Does that mean I don't want to be who I am, or does that mean I'm not who I want to be?


What's interesting is sometimes, I don't feel like I know who I am. When I look at my life, I see countless blessings and joys, so many different things I have to be grateful for, yet I find myself wanting more. I am so selfish; sometimes, I have difficulty having patience with the people I love or finding time to do what I love. Sometimes I sacrifice some of the most important parts of my life for reasons I don't even know. It's ridiculous.


All that is going to change, now. I'm in college now, and like I said, it's a new beginning, a fresh start, a new me. I'm more than willing to do whatever it takes to re-establish that sense of closeness and the strong connection I once felt to my faith. I'll admit, I don't feel as connected as I once did, and that seriously bothers me. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened, but I do know I'm going to fix that. I'm going to ensure that I get back on track and make time for God. He is the most important being in my life, therefore, He should be my number one priority, and starting now, He will be.

"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace."

1 Corinthians 14:33

College.

   Here I am, at school. I love it here. I feel so free, yet so incredibly busy. Our schedules have been jam packed for orientation week! It's so crazy, but I love it! I can't wait to see how I grow. I plan on getting involved with clubs & organizations to help me stay connected with my faith. Our hall even has a Bible study! It's awesome. I hardly have time to sit down, write, and relax. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I hope I have the time do more of it while here!

   Not going to lie, I was really nervous the night before I left. I was also really overwhelmed once I arrived. However, after settling in and unpacking, this room feels kind of homey. It's really nice. I'm actually excited for classes to start, it will give me something productive to do. I am having a great time and all, but sometimes, I wish I just had time to step back and just breathe. 

   I already have a job, I start next week. I've also already met some really awesome people! I've met someone from my church, people from my area, and some running buddies! It's totally awesome. This is such a small world, and I've seen so many miscellaneous people that I never expected to see in college. It's so weird!

   I also want to say that I feel incredibly blessed to be here and have this opportunity to further my education. I'm the nervous kind of happy. It's alright, I'm going to embrace each day as it comes and take things one step at a time! I'm ready to take the next step of my life! I know I have nothing to fear as long as I have God with me.

Leaving.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and it's actually starting to hit me. I'm kind of nervous now. I am going to miss everyone so very much. I love them all, and hope they come visit! It's such a weird feeling. Wow. I don't know. Keep on praying. (: I'll be alright.

four months of lovely.

   You've helped me. Really, you have. Sometimes, I wondered if spending so much time with you instead of my friends this summer was the right decision. Now that I know what activities my friends have been involved in, I know it was. I'm not judging them, I'm not scolding them, I'm just glad I wasn't there to partake in certain festivities. That's just not the way I want my family to see me, my love to see

me, my God to see me. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful, accepting, and honest person in my life. 

   Speaking of honesty, I didn't think we'd make it. I was sure it wouldn't last. In fact, I used to wonder how and when it would end, until one day I realized, I didn't want it to end. I don't want it to end. Even though he's miles and hours away and I'm leaving tomorrow, I don't want it to end.

   Can I just say, as bazaar as it sounds, I'm glad we aren't at the same school. Being this far apart isn't going to change the way I feel about him, and it won't change the way he feels about me. I think this will make us stronger or tear us apart, hopefully not the latter. If we can make it through this, it will certainly build a strong sense of trust and prove to both him and myself that this is worth fighting for.

   I'm glad I can learn how to miss him. I'm also glad I can branch out, meet new people, make new friends, work hard, study, earn money, and have so many stories to share with him at the end of the day. It's tough, and sometimes not seeing him really sucks, but it will all be worth it in the long run, at least I think so.

   I'm not entirely sure of what the future holds, but I think that if we take things one day at a time, we'll be just fine.

I love hearing from you. I love talking about you. I love

your stories. I love seeing you smile. I love it when you

tell me I'm pretty or call me beautiful even when you

have no idea what I'm wearing or what I look like. I

love your laugh. I love your singing and your silly jokes.

I love how much you care about me. I love that I can 

see you and feel safe, that I can tell just by looking at you

you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with

you. Most of all, I love you for being you. I love you for

who you are. You are simply wonderful, and I don't want

anybody else. You are special. You are lovely. Most of all,

right now, you are mine, and I'm going to cherish every

second of that I have. All I know is that somehow, in some

way, you came into my life completely unexpectedly and

convinced me I am something special. You gave me a

reason to believe I deserved to be happy. You gave me

my reason to smile. I love you.

happy four month, my love.

I want to thank God for giving me such a blessing. I am so happy to call him mine, and I really couldn't ask for a more wonderful 4 months of our relationship. I know that no matter what comes our way, no matter what happens, I will have God with me the entire time guiding my path. I trust You, God. I love You, God. I need You, God. Please help me, and continue to light up the sky, the world, the universe, and my life with your LOVE.

I am so sick of this.

figuring things out.

   I didn't expect anything, I didn't expect you. At first, I was careless, just letting myself be happy & not thinking about the future. Then, I started to look at reality & convinced myself I didn't like you and didn't want to be with you. I was afraid of actually caring, because I knew how it felt to be hurt. I was so used to trapping myself in my own negativity and shutting the rest of the world out. Somehow, despite everything I thought, everything I said, I wasn't ready, I wasn't able to let you go. I didn't want to not have you in my life. I stayed. I stayed because some part of me knew that if I left, you would be gone forever, and I knew I couldn't have that.
   As time went on, I learned more about you. The more I learned, the more I wanted to know. The more I knew, the more I started to fall for you. I was worried at first. We're very different, yet very much alike. I don't think have never met anyone who cares for me the way way I know you do. I can just see it the way you look at me. I know I get angry or annoyed with you, but I know you try really hard to make me happy, and I know you're always thinking of me. That's what is so great about you. You're the sweetest guy I've ever met, and I never feel like I have to hide when I'm with you. I think you're amazing. I think you're wonderful. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that right now, in this moment, at this time, I love you; and I thank God for you everyday. I know that no matter what happens, I will never forget you.

Maybe all we need is completely clean slate to feel okay again, but sometimes, that's not really an option. So what we're left with is the jigsaw puzzle we call our lives, and we make the most of what we have, because in all honesty, that's all we can do.