Moving Forward

   As I reflect on everything I've learned this year and all I thought I learned in years before, I realize there is no use in blaming your past self for not knowing what you know now. How can I be sad or disappointed with myself for being happy? At the time, I truly was happy, but things change and people grow apart. It does not mean that there was never any happiness. Sometimes, it's easier not to think about that, because when you do, you remember how happy you once were and you wonder where it all went wrong. You wonder why it had to be this way, you wonder how someone could do that to you. Some days are easier than others, but ultimately I take comfort in knowing that if I truly was happy with every aspect of my past, I wouldn't be at this point in my future. I think somehow I knew that it could never be, because no matter what, there was always something to fight about, something to fix, something to change. That's no way to live, and that's no way to love.
   It makes me sad to think that after so long it ended the way it did, but I also take comfort in knowing I am strong enough to be on my own and I am capable of making my own path. When you spend so long having a plan and doing everything you can to be happy, are you really happy? What fun is it if you're always trying to ensure you're happy? Shouldn't you just be happy? As I continue to move forward, I know what I want and I know what truly does make me happy. While I will always seek to love others and offer kindness towards a stranger, I know that the people I choose to keep in my life are the people who will ultimately shape my perspective and my decisions. Moving forward, I know that things can only go up, and while starting over is one of the hardest things to do, I think that having a completely fresh start in a new city will be the opportunity I need to start over. What better way to make a new life for yourself than actually making a completely new life for yourself? Despite everything that has happened this year, I am grateful for all of my experiences, and I am truly looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

Letting the Light In

   Through times of adversity, it is most difficult to stay strong and continue to move forward. It is at times like this we must reflect the most on our life and what choices we have made thus far. Perhaps we have had a challenging time at work, maybe we have grown apart from family, or we have lost faith in those we once held close to our heart. Sometimes it can be a combination of all of these things, and sometimes it can be more. What is most important is that we don't let these events tear us apart and turn us into someone we are not. 

   This year has by far been the most challenging year I could have imagined. I started my career as a kindergarten teacher in a new city, far away from home. I spent most of the year trying to prove myself while also grasping at the threads of a relationship that continued to let me down. When I made the decision to leave this job, it seemed that things in my personal life had started to fall into place, and I was finally planning that future I had dreamed about for so long. After months of searching and interviewing, I had finally accepted a job teaching first grade at an amazing new school. Only then did I learn was that the relationship I was so certain of was nothing more than lies to hold together what little happiness we had left. It was at this moment that I realized I was done trying to convince people of my worth and it was then that I realized I shouldn't be pouring in all of my time and effort in hopes of having a happy ending. Relationships are not meant to break you down and cause immense amounts of doubt in your life, they are meant to build you up and strengthen the bonds you have with your faith, your family, your friends, and of course, one another. Walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it can also be the best thing to do. Nothing is every easy when so many people are involved and so many other lives are affected by your own. Ultimately, you need to make decisions that will make you into the person who lives in Christ's image.

   Looking back, I know that not every decision I have ever made has been what Jesus would have wanted for me, however, not many people can say that about every decision they have ever made. Despite all of this, Jesus loves us anyways, it's part of the unconditional love that Christ has for each and every one of us. This is why when people wrong us, it is so hard to stay angry, because we know that despite everything, Christ will love and accept all people in His kingdom. Forgiveness is one of the hardest gifts to give someone, especially when they have done something you don't see worthy of forgiveness. However, we are not the ones who can make this judgment call. It is not up to us to decide what sins are worth forgiving and what sins are not, in Jesus' eyes, all sins are the same, no one sin is worse or greater than another. It is because of this we must always forgive, because it will keep our hearts pure and our mind at peace. Forgiveness does not mean you agree with a decision or even believe that everything is going to be okay again. Forgiveness means that you are ready to come to peace with the matter so that you can move on with your life and live in Christ's image. Jesus created us to live a life that reflects his light in us, and if we live our life holding grudges, we will only create a bitter mind and a hardened heart. In order for us to continue to live in the light, we must let the light in, and that means keeping the darkness out.