Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel like you don't care about me the same way I care about you, or maybe you just don't understand how much I care about you. I know you say you love me, and I totally believe everything you say to me, but sometimes I wonder if you're in love with me or if you're just in love with being in love. I wish you knew how much the most insignificant things bother me. I mean, I like to say I'm not the jealous type, but college has taught me that I totally am. I wish I could tell you, but I know you'll just tell me I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. I worry about the smallest things that you probably don't even see as anything that would bother me. I'm sorry, but I can't control how I feel. I really wish it wasn't like this, but it is, and I just can't stand it. I'll just stop now before I get myself going, but for the record, I love you more than you know.

Exhausted.

   After starting my day at 5:30, finding out I needed different textbooks, eating lunch at 2:15, trying to put a dent in my homework, and working out, I'd say I've had a pretty eventful day. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from my second day of classes, maybe I thought this day would be just as easy as the first. Starting my day with work as opposed to ending my day with work sure changed things up. I found myself kind of dizzy and tired during my classes today, probably because I hadn't quite worked out my eating schedule. I was so worried about not being prepared for classes or falling behind, I signed up for a history tutor and visited my history professor during his office hours (yes, on the first day of class) only to find I was totally over-thinking things and getting worked up about nothing. Shocking.
   On the plus, I"m definitely getting adjusted here. I also found out I only have history twice a week, not three times as listed on my schedule, that will really help with my time management skills. Because I was so concerned about being disorganized, I made certain to make an appointment to sit down with someone to discuss study skills and have a plan regarding how to prepare for exams and stay organized. While I'm really nervous about totally failing or some completely ridiculous, highly implausible scenario, I know that I'll be alright. Things always have a way of working out in the end, they may not play out exactly as I intended or as I wanted, but whatever happens, happens, and I know that I will be just fine.
   One thing about myself that really bothers me is my lack of confidence in anything and everything I do. This weakness, per say, has become quite evident over the past few days. I'm afraid to speak up in my classes, I'm afraid to turn in assignments, I'm afraid to let other people see my work so that they can offer advice, I"m even afraid to share a tiny bit of my work with anyone else in any way, shape, or form. I have this constant nagging that people are going to judge my work, tell me I'm a terrible writer, think I'm stupid or just plain clueless. I honestly have no idea why, but that's how I feel. The only reason I'm comfortable writing on my blog, or sharing this for that matter, is because I know nobody really reads this.
   This is my personal, online diary. It's nothing special, not really unique, just a jumble of my feelings and emotions at the time I sit down to write. I'm most comfortable writing in this type of setting. The words just seem to come naturally, writing seems easy. No one can judge me, because no one has to read this, hardly will read this. This is just me being me. I wish writing for class came this easy. I wish that I could be as comfortable as I am now with my schoolwork. I honestly don't mind who reads this blog, but if someone reads a line of my paper or glances at my notes, my mind is flooded with negativity and anxiety. What's weird is that this blog contains my most personal information while my homework and school papers contain nothing but words I put together on a specific topic that is usually unrelated to me. I really don't understand myself.
   Furthermore, I want to conclude by saying this: I truly am going to put forth an effort to hold myself accountable for my actions, have quiet time in some form every night, and strengthen the bond between God and myself. I applied to this school for a reason, but I chose to come here for another. College is the transition from high school, immature teenager, to real world, career-bound woman. I want to be sure that I am closer to God each and every day for the rest of my life. If I leave college without that feeling, without that closeness, then I really have failed college.

   So far, I feel like I can manage... Granted, I've only had one class. However, I was worried I had too much time in between classes, and even though that may be true, I've found that I can use that time to do my homework/get ahead, workout, read, journal, blog, or do something else to feel productive. I'm feeling better about the rest of the week/semester, thought I'm not sure I'll feel the same after waking up at 5:30 tomorrow...

I am so happy I went to church today. I felt much better after going, and I'm really looking forward to going again next week! I feel much better after taking communion and just taking in the atmosphere. I am planning on trying out different churches over the next couple weeks and see which one I get the most out of. Hopefully I'll be able to check out the Greek Orthodox church once I figure out how to use the bus system, I think that will help me feel most at home! 

Church!

   I'm going to church soon, and I'm really excited! The service today is supposed to be really cool, and a good amount of the freshman class is planning on attending. The church itself is the most well-known around campus. It's simply gorgeous. I'm really looking forward to going to that I have time to listen, reflect, worship, and prepare myself both mentally and spiritually for the week ahead of me.

Today I'm feeling... much better.

Getting back.

What if everything just stopped? What if time froze? What if, for just one minute, you step out of your life and actually see the world? Sometimes, I find myself so caught up in the chaos of everyday life, I forget to take a step back and actually look at the life I'm living, the kind of person I am.


One of the things that scares me most in this world is that I will turn into somebody I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if the person I am is in fact the person I want to be. Losing myself is one of the easiest things to do without even realizing what's happening. I'm away at school. I'm surrounded by totally different people who don't know who I am, who know nothing about me. It's kind of crazy to think about. I can be anyone I want, though, I don't really know what that means. Does that mean I don't want to be who I am, or does that mean I'm not who I want to be?


What's interesting is sometimes, I don't feel like I know who I am. When I look at my life, I see countless blessings and joys, so many different things I have to be grateful for, yet I find myself wanting more. I am so selfish; sometimes, I have difficulty having patience with the people I love or finding time to do what I love. Sometimes I sacrifice some of the most important parts of my life for reasons I don't even know. It's ridiculous.


All that is going to change, now. I'm in college now, and like I said, it's a new beginning, a fresh start, a new me. I'm more than willing to do whatever it takes to re-establish that sense of closeness and the strong connection I once felt to my faith. I'll admit, I don't feel as connected as I once did, and that seriously bothers me. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened, but I do know I'm going to fix that. I'm going to ensure that I get back on track and make time for God. He is the most important being in my life, therefore, He should be my number one priority, and starting now, He will be.

"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace."

1 Corinthians 14:33

College.

   Here I am, at school. I love it here. I feel so free, yet so incredibly busy. Our schedules have been jam packed for orientation week! It's so crazy, but I love it! I can't wait to see how I grow. I plan on getting involved with clubs & organizations to help me stay connected with my faith. Our hall even has a Bible study! It's awesome. I hardly have time to sit down, write, and relax. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I hope I have the time do more of it while here!

   Not going to lie, I was really nervous the night before I left. I was also really overwhelmed once I arrived. However, after settling in and unpacking, this room feels kind of homey. It's really nice. I'm actually excited for classes to start, it will give me something productive to do. I am having a great time and all, but sometimes, I wish I just had time to step back and just breathe. 

   I already have a job, I start next week. I've also already met some really awesome people! I've met someone from my church, people from my area, and some running buddies! It's totally awesome. This is such a small world, and I've seen so many miscellaneous people that I never expected to see in college. It's so weird!

   I also want to say that I feel incredibly blessed to be here and have this opportunity to further my education. I'm the nervous kind of happy. It's alright, I'm going to embrace each day as it comes and take things one step at a time! I'm ready to take the next step of my life! I know I have nothing to fear as long as I have God with me.

Leaving.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and it's actually starting to hit me. I'm kind of nervous now. I am going to miss everyone so very much. I love them all, and hope they come visit! It's such a weird feeling. Wow. I don't know. Keep on praying. (: I'll be alright.

four months of lovely.

   You've helped me. Really, you have. Sometimes, I wondered if spending so much time with you instead of my friends this summer was the right decision. Now that I know what activities my friends have been involved in, I know it was. I'm not judging them, I'm not scolding them, I'm just glad I wasn't there to partake in certain festivities. That's just not the way I want my family to see me, my love to see

me, my God to see me. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful, accepting, and honest person in my life. 

   Speaking of honesty, I didn't think we'd make it. I was sure it wouldn't last. In fact, I used to wonder how and when it would end, until one day I realized, I didn't want it to end. I don't want it to end. Even though he's miles and hours away and I'm leaving tomorrow, I don't want it to end.

   Can I just say, as bazaar as it sounds, I'm glad we aren't at the same school. Being this far apart isn't going to change the way I feel about him, and it won't change the way he feels about me. I think this will make us stronger or tear us apart, hopefully not the latter. If we can make it through this, it will certainly build a strong sense of trust and prove to both him and myself that this is worth fighting for.

   I'm glad I can learn how to miss him. I'm also glad I can branch out, meet new people, make new friends, work hard, study, earn money, and have so many stories to share with him at the end of the day. It's tough, and sometimes not seeing him really sucks, but it will all be worth it in the long run, at least I think so.

   I'm not entirely sure of what the future holds, but I think that if we take things one day at a time, we'll be just fine.

I love hearing from you. I love talking about you. I love

your stories. I love seeing you smile. I love it when you

tell me I'm pretty or call me beautiful even when you

have no idea what I'm wearing or what I look like. I

love your laugh. I love your singing and your silly jokes.

I love how much you care about me. I love that I can 

see you and feel safe, that I can tell just by looking at you

you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with

you. Most of all, I love you for being you. I love you for

who you are. You are simply wonderful, and I don't want

anybody else. You are special. You are lovely. Most of all,

right now, you are mine, and I'm going to cherish every

second of that I have. All I know is that somehow, in some

way, you came into my life completely unexpectedly and

convinced me I am something special. You gave me a

reason to believe I deserved to be happy. You gave me

my reason to smile. I love you.

happy four month, my love.

I want to thank God for giving me such a blessing. I am so happy to call him mine, and I really couldn't ask for a more wonderful 4 months of our relationship. I know that no matter what comes our way, no matter what happens, I will have God with me the entire time guiding my path. I trust You, God. I love You, God. I need You, God. Please help me, and continue to light up the sky, the world, the universe, and my life with your LOVE.