I'm impatient. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm waiting. I'm bored. I'm happy. I'm sad. Most of the time, I don't know what I am. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I'm living this life, but I'm not actually living. I'm going through the motions to get through the days. I'm trying to be this person that I know I'll never be. It's like being myself just isn't enough, I'm just not okay. It's absolutely absurd, why am I not happy with who I am? Why am I not happy with where I am? Why am I not happy? I don't know why. I know I need to stop being so pessimistic, because that's been the theme of my life lately; and I honestly don't know why. I need to let God in. I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore, but I know I need help. I know I cannot do anything on my own, and I know that nothing will ever be solved if I don't trust in Him. So I will. I'm done living the life I don't want to be living. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm going to find out.

sorry.

   Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I go through a dozen mood swings a day, and I seriously don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stressed out. I'm really sorry for taking it out on you. I really shouldn't do that. I just get really angry for no reason, and I turn small misunderstanding into bigger issues. It's really not fair to you, and it's not fair to me either. I'm really sorry I keep screwing up. I'm sorry I keep doing stupid things. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Half the time, I don't even know why we're arguing, and I really do want to just forget about it and move on, but for some reason, there's always something that stops me from doing that, and I really don't know why. Really, I'm sorry. I love you, but I know I can't keep doing this to you. I don't know why I'm testing your limits, it's really dumb. I'm sorry for pushing you away when I all I want is you by my side forever. I tell myself the distance is fine, we'll make it through this, everything will be alright; but even though I pretend it'll all be alright, I'm hiding how much it hurts and how hard it is for me. I guess that's just how it shows. I'm sorry that's the way it is, I'm working on it. I need to find a better way to deal with the distance, because it's starting to take its toll on me. Really, I'm sorry about that. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me for all the stupid things I do.

back on track.

   I am so sick of fighting a battle and constantly losing. I'm tired of giving up. I am angry at myself for continuously letting this happen. Seriously, I'm so done. This time is for real. I'll make it happen. I'll prove myself wrong. I'm the only person I've never been able to please, and quite honestly, I'm so done with that. It's getting old. It's so obnoxious. I can't stand it. I'm so mad. I have no one to blame but myself. Really, this is no one else's fault, this is no one else's fight. It's mine. I may have lost just about every battle this far, but eventually, I will win the war.

what is space?

   What happened to us? I feel so distant from you, not in a literal sense. Maybe we are too reliant on one another, maybe we're ahead of ourselves, maybe we just need to take a step back and look at what's  happening to us. Maybe we need space. Maybe we need time. Maybe you don't need or want any of these things. Maybe I just need to think.

lost.

   Yes, we fight. Yes, we have problems. Yes, this is anything but easy, but I know that we'll be alright. I need you to trust me. How are supposed to make it through this or continue to grow if we can't trust each other. I need you to know that I would never to anything to jeopardize our relationship. I love you so much, more than anyone, and I need you to know that nothing is ever going to change that.
   No matter what happens, no matter what you do, I'll always love you. You know that. You'll always hold a special place in my heart. You are very important to me, but the more these things happen, the more distant I feel from you. It's like you're a totally different person and I'm not a part of you at all. You're not the same person I fell for, well you are, but it's hard to believe that. I miss you. I miss the you that wasn't like this. It's really hard to imagine a bright future and dream about the possibilities if we can't even get through a few minor events. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to believe.
   There's only so much you can say. There's only so much I can do, so much I can deal with. I want to believe you, I do, but it doesn't get easier when things like this keep happening. I love you, and I want to make this work. Love isn't just the fun times, the easy times, the times where everything just comes naturally without having to think. Love means working together to overcome problems, never giving up, we'll never stop fighting. I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to fail, I can't fail. I can't start over, I don't want to start over. I don't want anyone but you. No one else is as wonderful as you are, but sometimes it's so difficult to hold on to that. I feel so lost, I don't know what I want. I don't know who you are, and that kills me. I feel like I've lost you, or you've lost me; it's like we've lost each other.
   Where are you? Please come back. I'm lost without you.

Distance.

   I miss you. I miss everything about you. I love you so much, and I wish you were here. i wish I could see your face for real everyday. I wish I could feel your touch everyday. I wish this were easier. I wish that distance was not such an obstacle; however, it's no obstacle to the way I feel about you. No matter how far apart we are, my feelings won't change. I know that we will be alright, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Nothing worth having ever comes easy, and as easy as it is to love you, being apart from you is anything but that. I will never forget you. You will never lose your place in my heart. You will always be my person, because I've never met anyone who could ever possibly care about me half as much as you do.
   I know that one day, it'll all work out. One day, it'll all be worth it. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know it's something amazing. I want to go on adventures with you. I want to share my stories with you. I want you to be right there with me, traveling all around the country, the world for that matter. Just us. You make me happy. You make me smile. You make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl around. I don't know anyone who is as wonderful as you. I'm really grateful that you're in my life. I miss you more than ever, but I know we'll make it through this. I love you.
   Distance is rough. Distance is tough. Distance can totally tear apart a relationship, it can ruin something so beautiful by turning it so ugly. I know that won't happen to us. Despite everything, I feel that the distance has only made us stronger. Being so far apart has made me realize how much I love you and that I don't want anyone else, just you. I'm not saying I like the distance, if being closer were an option, I'd take advantage of it in a heartbeat. I miss you so much, and I love you even more. Distance is only a measure of miles, not of feelings, not of love, not of compassion, but how far it is from point A to point B.
   The distance between us is our strongest obstacle, and if we can get through this, we can get through anything; I know it. While it may complicate things, it will not interfere with the our feelings, I'm sure of that. One day, though, it will all be alright. I love you, I trust you, and I love the way you love me. I miss you, but I'll be seeing you.

work?

   It's not going to work if it's one sided. I love you, I want to be with you, but you can't keep doing this. I know it's hard, believe me, that's all I ever talk about. I'm trying to make the best of it. I know you're not here and I'm not there, as much as I wish it were like that, it isn't; but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have fun here. I'm going to make the most out of my college experience, because, after all, it is college. You only get to live these 4 years once, and I don't want to have any regrets, and as harsh as it may sound, I don't want you to fall into that category. You are not even close to being there right now, but it's really not easy for me to be happy when you're constantly upset. I know you said you'll change, and I really want to believe me; but you've said that before. I hope it holds true this time, but only time can tell.
   Our relationship shouldn't be hard work, and it usually isn't. I just need you to understand that while I have my own life here, I will always have a life with you. You will always have a place in my heart. I love you, and I don't want to be without you. I miss you so much, it hurts, which is why I need to find other ways to keep myself occupied. I can't constantly be thinking of how much I miss you or how hard it is because that really isn't healthy. I do miss you, but I can't constantly be thinking about that. I don't expect you to stay in all the time or sit around talking to me, you mustn't expect that from me. You need to trust me, and you need to trust that my feelings are going to remain true. I love you, I promise. We will be alright, so please stop worrying or whatever it is that is making you like this.

difficulties.

it's hard. I hate it, I really can't stand it. I don't know how this is going to work. Really, I don't want anyone else, but I also don't like being so far away from you. I know we'll be fine, and I know we can make it work, but for what? What if something happens? What if all this effort is wasted? What if things don't work out? What if something changes? What if I never have the courage to branch out because I can't find the confidence to say hello to someone. I like what I'm used to, I'm uncomfortable with the new. What if I can never get used to the fact that his is us now? What if you get sick of having to tell me things are going to be okay? What would I do then? What if I lost the one person I'm closest with? What if I can't handle all of this? What if I"m not strong enough? Oh, right, I'm not. What if I can't get it together? What if I fail? What if I can't stop being so negative about everything? What if I can't enjoy myself because I'm too busy worrying about what everyone else will think? What if you leave? I mean, really, why wouldn't you? I'm not special, I'm not unique, I'm so far from average it's ridiculous. I wish I could think otherwise, but really, I can't. And so, I've come to this, a worry freak who cannot stop thinking about all of the bad regardless of how many good things there are to be happy with. I can't stop thinking I'll never fit in, because I might not. I'm most afraid of that.

Yes, I love it here, but...

I still feel awkward. I still feel lost. I still feel like I don't fit in. I came with my best friend, yet I don't feel like I have one here. It's weird. I miss having someone to hang out with anytime, all the time. I feel like I've met so many people, but I don't have "that group." I feel lonely. I just want to talk to someone, that's all. I miss laughing for no apparent reason, "telepathic" communication, just everything about being sure about anything. I miss all of that.

what you don't know:

-everything that really bothers me but is totally ridiculous & stupid because it's totally inevitable and human nature.

-your co-ed floor, really hate that.

-girls knocking on your door & whatnot, very much bothered by that.

-the thought of you telling jokes, dancing, being funny, being you for that matter, with other girls. really, it just makes me really, really sad. 

-you being in study groups with other girls.

-anything that involves you and other girls.

I know, I know, I KNOW. I sound totally, super insane, annoying, crazy, jealous, etc. I know that. I just get really sad when I imagine you with other girls, I can't help but wonder what they see in you or what you see in them. It's just the stupid, jealous girl part of me wanting to be heard. It's totally dumb and irrational, I know that, but it's not going to change the way I feel. I trust you, I do. I just can't help but be afraid, because well, I'm afraid of everything, you know. 

It's not easy, I don't think it ever will be.

being with you makes everything better :)

tomorrow...

...because once I see you, everything will fall into place, just as it always done when I'm around you. I miss everything about you. I miss holding your hand, leaning on your shoulder, taking a walk, being with you. I love the way you love me, I love the way I can see it in your eyes, I love the way you hold me, I love the way you kiss me when I'm mid-sentence, I just love you. 

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that right now, in this moment, I couldn't be happier than I am with you.

O-Fest!

   Today, I attended O-Fest! It was so awesome! I walked around central mall and stopped at booths that interested me and saw clubs I might like to join. I found numerous Christian organizations I wanted to be a part of, though I don't think I can be fully committed to all of them. I'm really looking forward to attending various Bible studies and digging deeper within myself to explore my faith and see where it takes me.
   On another note, I signed up for late night marquette, outdoor adventure club, rugby, running club, and intramural soccer! I'm so excited. This year is going to be crazy fun. There are so many opportunities for service, fellowship, and fun! I'm really glad I'm at a school with strong Christian principles and plenty of options to strengthen my beliefs. It's really comforting knowing there is plenty for me to do on any given night & not be bothered with parties or illegal activities. I'm not saying they don't exist, because they definitely do, I'm just happy to not be a part of them!

What happens now?

   Let me start by saying this: I have no idea what's going to happen with us, but I do know I love you more than I ever thought I would. I do believe everything you've said to me, and I am sure I will believe everything you will. However, things can change, you can change. What's going to happen when you do, or should I say, if you do? I can't stress enough how totally and completely afraid I am of that.
   I miss everything about being with you, and if that all disappeared forever, I'm not sure how I would handle it. If we are meant to split, if that's what God has planned for me, then I know I'll be able to get through it. I don't know if that's the case, I really hope it isn't, but if it is, I know I"ll be alright in the end. 
   I still don't really know how you feel or where you stand on certain things, and it's really troubling. I hope that our differences don't get the best of us. I hope that we can make this work. I hope that I can understand everything I don't.
   I know it's not easy, and I know it's not going to be; all that I know is right now, I want to be with you. I suppose you're right when you say you don't know if things will change, and maybe they will for you, maybe they will for me too. I honestly don't know. I wish I didn't have to think about this right now, but I do, we do. 
   Something's got to give. We can't have it both ways, it's not going to be perfect, but that's something I love most about our relationship, its flaws. I love the imperfections, what makes you who you are and what makes me who I am. I love that you respect me and what I stand for, and I love how well we get a long, how much we have in common, how happy you make me, how important I feel. I love that you think I'm something special, but I think the reason I'm special is because I get to be with you. I love you, I know that whatever the future may hold, we will both get through it, somehow, someway, we will both be just fine.