Grandma

I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, your smile, your cheery voice and endless hugs. I miss your optimism, I miss your happiness that you graciously shared with all. I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. I wish you were here. This is the hardest, most painful experience I've ever had. I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I'm going to live my life for you. I'm going to be just like you. I'm going spread your love and joy, I'm so blessed and honored to call you my grandmother. You never spoke a mean word, you never showed anger, sadness, nor sorrow. Grams, you are the most inspiring, amazing, and incredible woman I've ever met. I would give anything to have you here with me the rest of my life. Your wisdom helped me grow. 

I suppose I need to learn to understand that you're here in a different way, and you still are with me. I know you'll never leave me, you'll always be safe in my heart. I just wish I could look at you, so happy and full of life. Now it's hard to picture holidays without you by my side. I can't imagine not sharing phone calls with you, but I guess I'm going to have to, it's all that I can do. I love you grams, you are missed and loved by all. I'll never forget the last Thanksgiving we shared together this fall.

this isn't going to be one of those "it's not you, it's me" type speeches... I mean to an extent, it's me; but it's also you. I knew this was a bad idea... I'm sorry this is the way it has to be, but quite honestly, I think it's for the best.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling really lost. I thought I finally had everything figured out, my life was making sense, things were falling into place. Then, somehow, out of nowhere, I feel like everything is falling apart instead of coming together. I really don't know what's going on. I feel lost, I feel like I'm not in control, I feel sad, and I really don't know why. I have no motivation to do anything, I'd rather just sleep or stay in. I miss certainty, I miss being happy, I miss a lot of things. I feel like every time I take a step forward, I'm put two steps back. I don't really know who I am anymore, but I don't think I like what I'm turning into. I'm trying to stop it, but I feel like I'm failing. I'm losing every battle, I'm losing myself. I want to change, I'm trying to change. I want to make sense of things again. I really hope things start to turn around.

I'm impatient. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm waiting. I'm bored. I'm happy. I'm sad. Most of the time, I don't know what I am. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I'm living this life, but I'm not actually living. I'm going through the motions to get through the days. I'm trying to be this person that I know I'll never be. It's like being myself just isn't enough, I'm just not okay. It's absolutely absurd, why am I not happy with who I am? Why am I not happy with where I am? Why am I not happy? I don't know why. I know I need to stop being so pessimistic, because that's been the theme of my life lately; and I honestly don't know why. I need to let God in. I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore, but I know I need help. I know I cannot do anything on my own, and I know that nothing will ever be solved if I don't trust in Him. So I will. I'm done living the life I don't want to be living. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm going to find out.

sorry.

   Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I go through a dozen mood swings a day, and I seriously don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stressed out. I'm really sorry for taking it out on you. I really shouldn't do that. I just get really angry for no reason, and I turn small misunderstanding into bigger issues. It's really not fair to you, and it's not fair to me either. I'm really sorry I keep screwing up. I'm sorry I keep doing stupid things. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Half the time, I don't even know why we're arguing, and I really do want to just forget about it and move on, but for some reason, there's always something that stops me from doing that, and I really don't know why. Really, I'm sorry. I love you, but I know I can't keep doing this to you. I don't know why I'm testing your limits, it's really dumb. I'm sorry for pushing you away when I all I want is you by my side forever. I tell myself the distance is fine, we'll make it through this, everything will be alright; but even though I pretend it'll all be alright, I'm hiding how much it hurts and how hard it is for me. I guess that's just how it shows. I'm sorry that's the way it is, I'm working on it. I need to find a better way to deal with the distance, because it's starting to take its toll on me. Really, I'm sorry about that. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me for all the stupid things I do.

back on track.

   I am so sick of fighting a battle and constantly losing. I'm tired of giving up. I am angry at myself for continuously letting this happen. Seriously, I'm so done. This time is for real. I'll make it happen. I'll prove myself wrong. I'm the only person I've never been able to please, and quite honestly, I'm so done with that. It's getting old. It's so obnoxious. I can't stand it. I'm so mad. I have no one to blame but myself. Really, this is no one else's fault, this is no one else's fight. It's mine. I may have lost just about every battle this far, but eventually, I will win the war.

what is space?

   What happened to us? I feel so distant from you, not in a literal sense. Maybe we are too reliant on one another, maybe we're ahead of ourselves, maybe we just need to take a step back and look at what's  happening to us. Maybe we need space. Maybe we need time. Maybe you don't need or want any of these things. Maybe I just need to think.

lost.

   Yes, we fight. Yes, we have problems. Yes, this is anything but easy, but I know that we'll be alright. I need you to trust me. How are supposed to make it through this or continue to grow if we can't trust each other. I need you to know that I would never to anything to jeopardize our relationship. I love you so much, more than anyone, and I need you to know that nothing is ever going to change that.
   No matter what happens, no matter what you do, I'll always love you. You know that. You'll always hold a special place in my heart. You are very important to me, but the more these things happen, the more distant I feel from you. It's like you're a totally different person and I'm not a part of you at all. You're not the same person I fell for, well you are, but it's hard to believe that. I miss you. I miss the you that wasn't like this. It's really hard to imagine a bright future and dream about the possibilities if we can't even get through a few minor events. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to believe.
   There's only so much you can say. There's only so much I can do, so much I can deal with. I want to believe you, I do, but it doesn't get easier when things like this keep happening. I love you, and I want to make this work. Love isn't just the fun times, the easy times, the times where everything just comes naturally without having to think. Love means working together to overcome problems, never giving up, we'll never stop fighting. I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to fail, I can't fail. I can't start over, I don't want to start over. I don't want anyone but you. No one else is as wonderful as you are, but sometimes it's so difficult to hold on to that. I feel so lost, I don't know what I want. I don't know who you are, and that kills me. I feel like I've lost you, or you've lost me; it's like we've lost each other.
   Where are you? Please come back. I'm lost without you.

Distance.

   I miss you. I miss everything about you. I love you so much, and I wish you were here. i wish I could see your face for real everyday. I wish I could feel your touch everyday. I wish this were easier. I wish that distance was not such an obstacle; however, it's no obstacle to the way I feel about you. No matter how far apart we are, my feelings won't change. I know that we will be alright, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Nothing worth having ever comes easy, and as easy as it is to love you, being apart from you is anything but that. I will never forget you. You will never lose your place in my heart. You will always be my person, because I've never met anyone who could ever possibly care about me half as much as you do.
   I know that one day, it'll all work out. One day, it'll all be worth it. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know it's something amazing. I want to go on adventures with you. I want to share my stories with you. I want you to be right there with me, traveling all around the country, the world for that matter. Just us. You make me happy. You make me smile. You make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl around. I don't know anyone who is as wonderful as you. I'm really grateful that you're in my life. I miss you more than ever, but I know we'll make it through this. I love you.
   Distance is rough. Distance is tough. Distance can totally tear apart a relationship, it can ruin something so beautiful by turning it so ugly. I know that won't happen to us. Despite everything, I feel that the distance has only made us stronger. Being so far apart has made me realize how much I love you and that I don't want anyone else, just you. I'm not saying I like the distance, if being closer were an option, I'd take advantage of it in a heartbeat. I miss you so much, and I love you even more. Distance is only a measure of miles, not of feelings, not of love, not of compassion, but how far it is from point A to point B.
   The distance between us is our strongest obstacle, and if we can get through this, we can get through anything; I know it. While it may complicate things, it will not interfere with the our feelings, I'm sure of that. One day, though, it will all be alright. I love you, I trust you, and I love the way you love me. I miss you, but I'll be seeing you.

work?

   It's not going to work if it's one sided. I love you, I want to be with you, but you can't keep doing this. I know it's hard, believe me, that's all I ever talk about. I'm trying to make the best of it. I know you're not here and I'm not there, as much as I wish it were like that, it isn't; but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have fun here. I'm going to make the most out of my college experience, because, after all, it is college. You only get to live these 4 years once, and I don't want to have any regrets, and as harsh as it may sound, I don't want you to fall into that category. You are not even close to being there right now, but it's really not easy for me to be happy when you're constantly upset. I know you said you'll change, and I really want to believe me; but you've said that before. I hope it holds true this time, but only time can tell.
   Our relationship shouldn't be hard work, and it usually isn't. I just need you to understand that while I have my own life here, I will always have a life with you. You will always have a place in my heart. I love you, and I don't want to be without you. I miss you so much, it hurts, which is why I need to find other ways to keep myself occupied. I can't constantly be thinking of how much I miss you or how hard it is because that really isn't healthy. I do miss you, but I can't constantly be thinking about that. I don't expect you to stay in all the time or sit around talking to me, you mustn't expect that from me. You need to trust me, and you need to trust that my feelings are going to remain true. I love you, I promise. We will be alright, so please stop worrying or whatever it is that is making you like this.

difficulties.

it's hard. I hate it, I really can't stand it. I don't know how this is going to work. Really, I don't want anyone else, but I also don't like being so far away from you. I know we'll be fine, and I know we can make it work, but for what? What if something happens? What if all this effort is wasted? What if things don't work out? What if something changes? What if I never have the courage to branch out because I can't find the confidence to say hello to someone. I like what I'm used to, I'm uncomfortable with the new. What if I can never get used to the fact that his is us now? What if you get sick of having to tell me things are going to be okay? What would I do then? What if I lost the one person I'm closest with? What if I can't handle all of this? What if I"m not strong enough? Oh, right, I'm not. What if I can't get it together? What if I fail? What if I can't stop being so negative about everything? What if I can't enjoy myself because I'm too busy worrying about what everyone else will think? What if you leave? I mean, really, why wouldn't you? I'm not special, I'm not unique, I'm so far from average it's ridiculous. I wish I could think otherwise, but really, I can't. And so, I've come to this, a worry freak who cannot stop thinking about all of the bad regardless of how many good things there are to be happy with. I can't stop thinking I'll never fit in, because I might not. I'm most afraid of that.

Yes, I love it here, but...

I still feel awkward. I still feel lost. I still feel like I don't fit in. I came with my best friend, yet I don't feel like I have one here. It's weird. I miss having someone to hang out with anytime, all the time. I feel like I've met so many people, but I don't have "that group." I feel lonely. I just want to talk to someone, that's all. I miss laughing for no apparent reason, "telepathic" communication, just everything about being sure about anything. I miss all of that.

what you don't know:

-everything that really bothers me but is totally ridiculous & stupid because it's totally inevitable and human nature.

-your co-ed floor, really hate that.

-girls knocking on your door & whatnot, very much bothered by that.

-the thought of you telling jokes, dancing, being funny, being you for that matter, with other girls. really, it just makes me really, really sad. 

-you being in study groups with other girls.

-anything that involves you and other girls.

I know, I know, I KNOW. I sound totally, super insane, annoying, crazy, jealous, etc. I know that. I just get really sad when I imagine you with other girls, I can't help but wonder what they see in you or what you see in them. It's just the stupid, jealous girl part of me wanting to be heard. It's totally dumb and irrational, I know that, but it's not going to change the way I feel. I trust you, I do. I just can't help but be afraid, because well, I'm afraid of everything, you know. 

It's not easy, I don't think it ever will be.

being with you makes everything better :)

tomorrow...

...because once I see you, everything will fall into place, just as it always done when I'm around you. I miss everything about you. I miss holding your hand, leaning on your shoulder, taking a walk, being with you. I love the way you love me, I love the way I can see it in your eyes, I love the way you hold me, I love the way you kiss me when I'm mid-sentence, I just love you. 

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that right now, in this moment, I couldn't be happier than I am with you.

O-Fest!

   Today, I attended O-Fest! It was so awesome! I walked around central mall and stopped at booths that interested me and saw clubs I might like to join. I found numerous Christian organizations I wanted to be a part of, though I don't think I can be fully committed to all of them. I'm really looking forward to attending various Bible studies and digging deeper within myself to explore my faith and see where it takes me.
   On another note, I signed up for late night marquette, outdoor adventure club, rugby, running club, and intramural soccer! I'm so excited. This year is going to be crazy fun. There are so many opportunities for service, fellowship, and fun! I'm really glad I'm at a school with strong Christian principles and plenty of options to strengthen my beliefs. It's really comforting knowing there is plenty for me to do on any given night & not be bothered with parties or illegal activities. I'm not saying they don't exist, because they definitely do, I'm just happy to not be a part of them!

What happens now?

   Let me start by saying this: I have no idea what's going to happen with us, but I do know I love you more than I ever thought I would. I do believe everything you've said to me, and I am sure I will believe everything you will. However, things can change, you can change. What's going to happen when you do, or should I say, if you do? I can't stress enough how totally and completely afraid I am of that.
   I miss everything about being with you, and if that all disappeared forever, I'm not sure how I would handle it. If we are meant to split, if that's what God has planned for me, then I know I'll be able to get through it. I don't know if that's the case, I really hope it isn't, but if it is, I know I"ll be alright in the end. 
   I still don't really know how you feel or where you stand on certain things, and it's really troubling. I hope that our differences don't get the best of us. I hope that we can make this work. I hope that I can understand everything I don't.
   I know it's not easy, and I know it's not going to be; all that I know is right now, I want to be with you. I suppose you're right when you say you don't know if things will change, and maybe they will for you, maybe they will for me too. I honestly don't know. I wish I didn't have to think about this right now, but I do, we do. 
   Something's got to give. We can't have it both ways, it's not going to be perfect, but that's something I love most about our relationship, its flaws. I love the imperfections, what makes you who you are and what makes me who I am. I love that you respect me and what I stand for, and I love how well we get a long, how much we have in common, how happy you make me, how important I feel. I love that you think I'm something special, but I think the reason I'm special is because I get to be with you. I love you, I know that whatever the future may hold, we will both get through it, somehow, someway, we will both be just fine. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel like you don't care about me the same way I care about you, or maybe you just don't understand how much I care about you. I know you say you love me, and I totally believe everything you say to me, but sometimes I wonder if you're in love with me or if you're just in love with being in love. I wish you knew how much the most insignificant things bother me. I mean, I like to say I'm not the jealous type, but college has taught me that I totally am. I wish I could tell you, but I know you'll just tell me I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. I worry about the smallest things that you probably don't even see as anything that would bother me. I'm sorry, but I can't control how I feel. I really wish it wasn't like this, but it is, and I just can't stand it. I'll just stop now before I get myself going, but for the record, I love you more than you know.

Exhausted.

   After starting my day at 5:30, finding out I needed different textbooks, eating lunch at 2:15, trying to put a dent in my homework, and working out, I'd say I've had a pretty eventful day. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from my second day of classes, maybe I thought this day would be just as easy as the first. Starting my day with work as opposed to ending my day with work sure changed things up. I found myself kind of dizzy and tired during my classes today, probably because I hadn't quite worked out my eating schedule. I was so worried about not being prepared for classes or falling behind, I signed up for a history tutor and visited my history professor during his office hours (yes, on the first day of class) only to find I was totally over-thinking things and getting worked up about nothing. Shocking.
   On the plus, I"m definitely getting adjusted here. I also found out I only have history twice a week, not three times as listed on my schedule, that will really help with my time management skills. Because I was so concerned about being disorganized, I made certain to make an appointment to sit down with someone to discuss study skills and have a plan regarding how to prepare for exams and stay organized. While I'm really nervous about totally failing or some completely ridiculous, highly implausible scenario, I know that I'll be alright. Things always have a way of working out in the end, they may not play out exactly as I intended or as I wanted, but whatever happens, happens, and I know that I will be just fine.
   One thing about myself that really bothers me is my lack of confidence in anything and everything I do. This weakness, per say, has become quite evident over the past few days. I'm afraid to speak up in my classes, I'm afraid to turn in assignments, I'm afraid to let other people see my work so that they can offer advice, I"m even afraid to share a tiny bit of my work with anyone else in any way, shape, or form. I have this constant nagging that people are going to judge my work, tell me I'm a terrible writer, think I'm stupid or just plain clueless. I honestly have no idea why, but that's how I feel. The only reason I'm comfortable writing on my blog, or sharing this for that matter, is because I know nobody really reads this.
   This is my personal, online diary. It's nothing special, not really unique, just a jumble of my feelings and emotions at the time I sit down to write. I'm most comfortable writing in this type of setting. The words just seem to come naturally, writing seems easy. No one can judge me, because no one has to read this, hardly will read this. This is just me being me. I wish writing for class came this easy. I wish that I could be as comfortable as I am now with my schoolwork. I honestly don't mind who reads this blog, but if someone reads a line of my paper or glances at my notes, my mind is flooded with negativity and anxiety. What's weird is that this blog contains my most personal information while my homework and school papers contain nothing but words I put together on a specific topic that is usually unrelated to me. I really don't understand myself.
   Furthermore, I want to conclude by saying this: I truly am going to put forth an effort to hold myself accountable for my actions, have quiet time in some form every night, and strengthen the bond between God and myself. I applied to this school for a reason, but I chose to come here for another. College is the transition from high school, immature teenager, to real world, career-bound woman. I want to be sure that I am closer to God each and every day for the rest of my life. If I leave college without that feeling, without that closeness, then I really have failed college.

   So far, I feel like I can manage... Granted, I've only had one class. However, I was worried I had too much time in between classes, and even though that may be true, I've found that I can use that time to do my homework/get ahead, workout, read, journal, blog, or do something else to feel productive. I'm feeling better about the rest of the week/semester, thought I'm not sure I'll feel the same after waking up at 5:30 tomorrow...

I am so happy I went to church today. I felt much better after going, and I'm really looking forward to going again next week! I feel much better after taking communion and just taking in the atmosphere. I am planning on trying out different churches over the next couple weeks and see which one I get the most out of. Hopefully I'll be able to check out the Greek Orthodox church once I figure out how to use the bus system, I think that will help me feel most at home! 

Church!

   I'm going to church soon, and I'm really excited! The service today is supposed to be really cool, and a good amount of the freshman class is planning on attending. The church itself is the most well-known around campus. It's simply gorgeous. I'm really looking forward to going to that I have time to listen, reflect, worship, and prepare myself both mentally and spiritually for the week ahead of me.

Today I'm feeling... much better.

Getting back.

What if everything just stopped? What if time froze? What if, for just one minute, you step out of your life and actually see the world? Sometimes, I find myself so caught up in the chaos of everyday life, I forget to take a step back and actually look at the life I'm living, the kind of person I am.


One of the things that scares me most in this world is that I will turn into somebody I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if the person I am is in fact the person I want to be. Losing myself is one of the easiest things to do without even realizing what's happening. I'm away at school. I'm surrounded by totally different people who don't know who I am, who know nothing about me. It's kind of crazy to think about. I can be anyone I want, though, I don't really know what that means. Does that mean I don't want to be who I am, or does that mean I'm not who I want to be?


What's interesting is sometimes, I don't feel like I know who I am. When I look at my life, I see countless blessings and joys, so many different things I have to be grateful for, yet I find myself wanting more. I am so selfish; sometimes, I have difficulty having patience with the people I love or finding time to do what I love. Sometimes I sacrifice some of the most important parts of my life for reasons I don't even know. It's ridiculous.


All that is going to change, now. I'm in college now, and like I said, it's a new beginning, a fresh start, a new me. I'm more than willing to do whatever it takes to re-establish that sense of closeness and the strong connection I once felt to my faith. I'll admit, I don't feel as connected as I once did, and that seriously bothers me. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened, but I do know I'm going to fix that. I'm going to ensure that I get back on track and make time for God. He is the most important being in my life, therefore, He should be my number one priority, and starting now, He will be.

"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace."

1 Corinthians 14:33

College.

   Here I am, at school. I love it here. I feel so free, yet so incredibly busy. Our schedules have been jam packed for orientation week! It's so crazy, but I love it! I can't wait to see how I grow. I plan on getting involved with clubs & organizations to help me stay connected with my faith. Our hall even has a Bible study! It's awesome. I hardly have time to sit down, write, and relax. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I hope I have the time do more of it while here!

   Not going to lie, I was really nervous the night before I left. I was also really overwhelmed once I arrived. However, after settling in and unpacking, this room feels kind of homey. It's really nice. I'm actually excited for classes to start, it will give me something productive to do. I am having a great time and all, but sometimes, I wish I just had time to step back and just breathe. 

   I already have a job, I start next week. I've also already met some really awesome people! I've met someone from my church, people from my area, and some running buddies! It's totally awesome. This is such a small world, and I've seen so many miscellaneous people that I never expected to see in college. It's so weird!

   I also want to say that I feel incredibly blessed to be here and have this opportunity to further my education. I'm the nervous kind of happy. It's alright, I'm going to embrace each day as it comes and take things one step at a time! I'm ready to take the next step of my life! I know I have nothing to fear as long as I have God with me.

Leaving.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and it's actually starting to hit me. I'm kind of nervous now. I am going to miss everyone so very much. I love them all, and hope they come visit! It's such a weird feeling. Wow. I don't know. Keep on praying. (: I'll be alright.

four months of lovely.

   You've helped me. Really, you have. Sometimes, I wondered if spending so much time with you instead of my friends this summer was the right decision. Now that I know what activities my friends have been involved in, I know it was. I'm not judging them, I'm not scolding them, I'm just glad I wasn't there to partake in certain festivities. That's just not the way I want my family to see me, my love to see

me, my God to see me. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful, accepting, and honest person in my life. 

   Speaking of honesty, I didn't think we'd make it. I was sure it wouldn't last. In fact, I used to wonder how and when it would end, until one day I realized, I didn't want it to end. I don't want it to end. Even though he's miles and hours away and I'm leaving tomorrow, I don't want it to end.

   Can I just say, as bazaar as it sounds, I'm glad we aren't at the same school. Being this far apart isn't going to change the way I feel about him, and it won't change the way he feels about me. I think this will make us stronger or tear us apart, hopefully not the latter. If we can make it through this, it will certainly build a strong sense of trust and prove to both him and myself that this is worth fighting for.

   I'm glad I can learn how to miss him. I'm also glad I can branch out, meet new people, make new friends, work hard, study, earn money, and have so many stories to share with him at the end of the day. It's tough, and sometimes not seeing him really sucks, but it will all be worth it in the long run, at least I think so.

   I'm not entirely sure of what the future holds, but I think that if we take things one day at a time, we'll be just fine.

I love hearing from you. I love talking about you. I love

your stories. I love seeing you smile. I love it when you

tell me I'm pretty or call me beautiful even when you

have no idea what I'm wearing or what I look like. I

love your laugh. I love your singing and your silly jokes.

I love how much you care about me. I love that I can 

see you and feel safe, that I can tell just by looking at you

you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with

you. Most of all, I love you for being you. I love you for

who you are. You are simply wonderful, and I don't want

anybody else. You are special. You are lovely. Most of all,

right now, you are mine, and I'm going to cherish every

second of that I have. All I know is that somehow, in some

way, you came into my life completely unexpectedly and

convinced me I am something special. You gave me a

reason to believe I deserved to be happy. You gave me

my reason to smile. I love you.

happy four month, my love.

I want to thank God for giving me such a blessing. I am so happy to call him mine, and I really couldn't ask for a more wonderful 4 months of our relationship. I know that no matter what comes our way, no matter what happens, I will have God with me the entire time guiding my path. I trust You, God. I love You, God. I need You, God. Please help me, and continue to light up the sky, the world, the universe, and my life with your LOVE.

I am so sick of this.

figuring things out.

   I didn't expect anything, I didn't expect you. At first, I was careless, just letting myself be happy & not thinking about the future. Then, I started to look at reality & convinced myself I didn't like you and didn't want to be with you. I was afraid of actually caring, because I knew how it felt to be hurt. I was so used to trapping myself in my own negativity and shutting the rest of the world out. Somehow, despite everything I thought, everything I said, I wasn't ready, I wasn't able to let you go. I didn't want to not have you in my life. I stayed. I stayed because some part of me knew that if I left, you would be gone forever, and I knew I couldn't have that.
   As time went on, I learned more about you. The more I learned, the more I wanted to know. The more I knew, the more I started to fall for you. I was worried at first. We're very different, yet very much alike. I don't think have never met anyone who cares for me the way way I know you do. I can just see it the way you look at me. I know I get angry or annoyed with you, but I know you try really hard to make me happy, and I know you're always thinking of me. That's what is so great about you. You're the sweetest guy I've ever met, and I never feel like I have to hide when I'm with you. I think you're amazing. I think you're wonderful. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that right now, in this moment, at this time, I love you; and I thank God for you everyday. I know that no matter what happens, I will never forget you.

Maybe all we need is completely clean slate to feel okay again, but sometimes, that's not really an option. So what we're left with is the jigsaw puzzle we call our lives, and we make the most of what we have, because in all honesty, that's all we can do.

a new beginning.

   Sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball and escape the world. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I have fallen so far down, it seem impossible for me to find my way back up. Though each time I fall, I hide I am never alone. Each time I cry, Someone can hear me. Most importantly, every time I fall, Someone is there to pick me back up. me. An ungrateful, undeserving, sinful human being. There are so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin

   First things first, why I feel insignificant. I am no better than anyone else who walks this earth. I am imperfect and do not always seek answers from the "right" sources. Sometimes, I use this world and the people who walk it to define my character. I feel worthless because somebody wronged me. I feel ridiculous because I let myself become swallowed up by materialism and unrealistic ideas.

Sometimes, I feel like crying. I can't help it. Why did this happen? When will it stop hurting? Am I really that insignificant that I don't even deserve a real explanation? Why do I still feel like this? When will it make sense? Why do I care so much? WHY. Seriously, this is so ridiculous. I should not be dwelling on situations in this world. Instead of wondering when I will be okay again, I should be wondering why I'm not okay already. Obviously, God has something different in mind for me. Sometimes, we need to fall down so that we can be reminded God will always be there to pick us back up. We need to  understand that we need to rely on God, not anyone else, for our happiness. We, as humans, are so incredibly selfish and we constantly seek the answers that are pleasing  to us. We want to know when things will get better for us, when someone else will see our side of the story. We cannot expect cooperation and understanding from others if we fail to do so ourselves. I have learned that God communicates with us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes, we are not at all pleased with the situation He has presented us, but in the end, we need to understand that everything He does has both a purpose and a reason. God will never give us a situation that we are unable to handle. He will always be there to support us and carry us through our most difficult times.

   I'm trying to change, I'm going to change. I am slowly learning how to be myself with God. For too long, I have defined myself by the relationships I've had with other people. I've acted in ways to fit the roles I thought I was supposed to be. The daughter who hides from her parents, the friend who hides her feelings, the believer who goes through the motions. I am tired of not being okay with the person I am. I am done letting myself fall into the same trap, the same situation, with the same outcome. I am through being passive. I am an active believer. No longer will I sulk. No longer will I wish for understanding.

   Accepting the situation is difficult, learning how to move on is worse. The difference is, this time, I am truly starting over. I am putting everything I have in God. I am giving him my troubles, worries, sadness, problems, and anything else that will prevent me from seeing how much He really does love me. It's not going to be easy. I'm not saying that I won't be sad, that I'll be totally okay with everything, because I won't.

   The hardest part is that while this is a new beginning to my life, while I'm starting a new chapter, I'm walking with God, building a relationship; it's also a goodbye. I have to leave everything behind me. I cannot be this person if I keep any of it with me. This is what truly tears me apart. This is one of the hardest things I have done in my life so far. I don't know exactly what the "right thing" is, but I do know that if I don't do this, if I don't say goodbye, I can never move on. It's hard.

   I have to change the lifestyle I have grown so comfortable with, the lifestyle I have grown to actually like. I convinced myself I was okay. I told myself it would be alright. I let myself live in a ridiculous world in which I could never truly give myself to God. I was never actually happy. I prayed & prayed for things to improve, for things to finally "go my way." When they did, I was ecstatic. I was beyond happy. Not a single day went by that I didn't catch myself smiling for "no 'apparent' reason." No matter how much I miss that feeling, I have to understand it wasn't real.

   Although I thanked & praised God for my good fortune, it was as if He was not the direct source for my happiness. In all honesty, I don't think He was. I let someone from this world control my mood. That cannot happen anymore. I need to learn how to be joyful because God loves me. I should be rejoicing everyday because God wants to talk to me. If I really want to let that happen, I need to let that part of me go, all of it.

You'll never see this. You probably don't care all that much anyways. I know this is selfish, but this is for my own benefit, not yours. I am moving on. I am done. I know you already have, but I haven't. I still hurt. I still care. I still will. Even when I am totally over it, I won't be; which is why I can't be your friend. Honestly, I don't think I can ever really be your friend. I am so sorry, really, I am. I am being selfish, but this is the only way I can move on and give everything I have to God. Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do [though I am only 17...]. This is it. I don't know if I'll ever really tell you, I don't know if I ever really can. I wish I could be your friend. You're a really great friend, which makes this so much harder. Though, the thing is, I will always see you as someone more than just a friend. Even after everything, I don't know if I can change that. The only way to change that is time. I don’t know how much time, but I do know that even after having all the time in the world, it will be too easy for me to fall back into the same trap I am trying to break out of. I am not trying to say that you have trapped me, I am not blaming you. I am blaming myself for letting that happen to me. I should have been more careful, more aware, more alert. That doesn't change the fact that every time I see you I want to disappear; Every time I think about everything that happened, I want to cry. I can't think of you as my friend, because I never saw you that way in the first place. The day I met you was the day I fell. Now, it's different, not only have I fallen, but I feel lied to. I can't be your friend if I don't feel that I can trust you. I can't be open with you. I don't think you can be open with me, which is why it didn't work. I know that now. I'm sorry. I don't think I can ever really say that to you. This is my closure, I need to move on. I am going to move on. I have to let go of the past, I know I won't ever forget, but I cannot continue to hold these ties that only tear me apart. Goodbye.

   I am so blessed. I have started to see the beauty in my own life that I have easily overlooked. I have so many people in my life to be grateful for. My life is full of people who care for me, love me, and will always support me. I am thankful that God has blessed me with these people. My life would not be the same without the love and support from my friends and compassion from my family.

This is my 100th post. I am starting something new. I am leaving the past in the past. From now on, I am going to live for God in the present, because in the future, He has something incredible planned for me. I know that I can trust Him because every time I fall, He is there to catch me. Every time I fail, He is there to pick me up. God knows what I need and what I can handle. He loves me unconditionally, and He will guide my path. I am never alone when I trust in Him. Instead of being anxious, I am going to embrace the future. I will not be afraid anymore. I am capable of overcoming all obstacles with God by my side, and that leaves me with no reason to fear or be weary of any situation I  find myself in. I have God & that will always be enough for me. 

Now, I need to focus on truly, truly, truly believing & understanding that statement.

stop. just stop. stop. stop. stop. go away. get out. leave.
Why can't I make you leave? It's because I'm being selfish.
All I'm doing is wishing this pain away. I'm not saying I should
embrace it or anything, but I know I need to trust God and
let Him piece me back together because I know I can't do
it alone.

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all

who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire

of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and

save them."

Psalm 145:18-19

talking about nothing means talking about anything.
everything ridiculous, random, and insignificant.
we don't need specifics to have a real conversation.
fun comes with spontaneity.
thank you.

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD"

Psalm 27:14

if it really was real, why does it all seem so fake to me now?

Everything.

   You don't understand. You can't possibly understand. I really can't expect you to, and I have failed to explain it. I can't though, there is only so much I can say. It's different this time. It's not the same. It's done. You can say you tried, but you didn't. I know you. You can't. You can't say you tried because I know you can't be open with me. You can't communicate with me. You can't expect to fix something on your own. You can't expect me to think that's okay. It's not okay. You have no idea what you have done. The fact that you kept something from me is what is most upsetting. It's not that you decided it wasn't working, it's that you didn't tell me when you first believed there to be a problem. You can't do that, you just can't. You will never understand because you really just can't. You don't get that I waited and waited for this. You don't know how much I cared. You don't realize that although you said we tried, we didn't. I wanted something more and you were unsure of what to do. You thought you could fix things on your own, so you tried to mold whatever it was we were doing into something you could make sense of. When something is wrong, people talk about it. They discuss their issues and come to a conclusion together. They don't try and fix things on their own, decide it can't work, and walk away. You gave up before it even started. You can say whatever you want, but I know it's not true. Actions speak louder. They always have, they always will. You isolated yourself. You weren't open. You didn't understand. "We" didn't not work out, you didn't know how to try. There is so much more I want to say to you, but I can't. I am not angry, I am upset. I am so disappointed in you. I trusted you. I trusted that you wouldn't do this to me. For the first time, you are not the person I thought you were. For the first time, you actually hurt me. Of all people, you. You are the last person I expected this from. You handled this situation so poorly. It all feels wrong now. It feels so wrong. It doesn't seem real. It seems so fake. I wish it didn't. This is not how it should have been. I can't look at you the same. I can't be your friend. I can't be okay until I forget the person I thought you were. I can't remember you like that, not after this, it wouldn't be fair to me. I don't want to think about that person. You can't be him, you really just can't, because he would never do anything like this to me. He wouldn't, I know that. You are not him. The sad thing is, I still know you. I know you too well. That makes this worse. Everything is worse. You have made this so much worse than it needs to be, and you don't even see it. You can't see it. You won't see it.

   Everything I wish I could say to you. Everything I never will. Everything you don't know. Everything I wish you did.

   Does it hurt? Do you care? When you see me, does your heart skip like mine does? When you think of me, are you sad? Does it mean the same things to you as it did to me? Do you feel as lost as I do? Do you wonder what you did wrong? I do. Did it ever occur to you that we could have worked together? Do I really mean that little to you? Do you want to forget? Are you already over it? Were you ever really in it? Did you ever truly care? Do you know what it means to care? Do you know how I feel? Do you know how I felt? Do you know what I've been through? No. Did it ever mean the same to you? Don't you think it would have been a good idea to let me know what you were thinking? Did that not seem obvious? Did you know how happy I was? Do you know that was all I ever wanted? Do you know that it started the first day I met you? Did you know it might have even started before that? Do you remember the first time we actually spoke? Did you know that's when I fell? Do you know how hard I fell? Do you know how much this hurts? Do you know how much I've already hurt? Does it matter to you? Does any of this really matter to you? I don't think it does. I don't think it ever will. Do you even want to know? What were you thinking all those years? What were you thinking these past few months? What are you thinking now? You'll never tell me. I'll never know. How could you possibly ever understand?

   Everything I want to know. Everything I want to ask. Everything I never can. Everything I never will.

   The worst part is, it's real this time. It's so much worse because it's all done. It's never going to go back to normal. We can never be friends. I never was your friend. I don't know if I can ever be your friend. I don't know how long this will take to mend. I want you to know I'm over you, but I'm not over who I thought you were. It's hard to come to terms with the facts that it's done. Just like that, it's all over. Everything I've hoped and prayed and wished for, that's all. This is it. It's so different than before. It's really over. It's not going to be okay this time. It's not going to fix itself.

I'm broken.

Everything that happened. Everything that never will. Everything is done.

I heard this song on K-LOVE today & it made me smile. It was nice.

thank you.

Is it really that easy to keep hurting me? Is it too much to ask for it all to just go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore. Again. Especially not now.

well, that's that.

yeah, definitely didn't see that one coming.

I'll just wait and see what my next move should be, because to be totally honest, I don't even know what to say or think anymore. At least I'm not alone.



it's the unexpected that never fails to make us smile.



Friendship.

definition of friendship.

   Thank you for being the greatest friend I could ever ask for. I love you to death and I seriously do not know what I would do without you. Whenever I need anything, I know you're always there. I cannot even begin to explain everything you've done for me. I am so thankful to have you in my life and I don't know how many other ways I can say that. Even when it seems like nothing else is going right, I know you'll listen. You've always been there to pick me up when I'm down, and I hope you know I'll always do the same for you! Don't ever stop being totally amazing. Thank you for being totally and completely awesome. I love you.

Defining moments.

   There are certain moments that define our character. There are certain situations in which we discover the significance of the people God has put in our lives. I am grateful to have such a wonderful group of friends and family who care about me and will always be supportive of me. I could not ask for anyone better, I love them all very much.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Colossians 3:15-17

   Yesterday was a bit hectic, and looking back, it seems so unreal now. I remember praying with my friends, we were all nearing tears. I remember seeing my mom and dad standing next to me talking to the doctor. Though, what I felt to be most incredible was seeing my best friends in the world with their mothers waiting for me to recover. It was so amazing, and I tried my best to hold back tears. While it was one of the most frightening situations I've ever encountered, it was also one of the most humbling experiences.


I love you all. (this is the only photo I could find with all of you in it...) 



   I also remember receiving a text message from my sister. I didn't have my glasses so my friend read it to me. I started crying. It was the sweetest thing she'd ever said to me. The tables had been reversed, and I knew that if I had stayed longer, she would have come to visit me and we'd have loads of fun. What saddened me though, was that she was worried and unable to focus as much as I know she could have during her game. She's an amazing player, and I am sad that her mind was too clouded for her to play to her full potential. However, I am touched that I mean so much to her.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

James 1:17

   All in all, I am extremely thankful for the people in my life. I remember the ride there, I was worried about not being able to keep my breath steady and whether or not the pain would go away. Then I thought to myself, and I felt God there with me. I knew that everything would be alright because it wasn't my time. It wasn't easy, but I knew that He would be throughout the evening and help me recover. I had hope. He is love, and His love gave me hope.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

Because God loves me, I feel safe. Because God loves me, I am sure. Because God loves me, I have faith.Because God loves me, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I know that I will always have the love and support from the One who matters the most, and that will always be enough. I know I don't always see that, but it certainly is true. Nothing can compare to His love for me.

Let me answer that with another question...

   A couple days ago in one of my classes, we journaled on the question, "Why are people religious?" What I'd like to know is, "Why are people not religious?" Of course, because I needed to complete the assignment, I provided a legitimate answer.

   I know why I'm religious. To me, my faith is a part of me. I would not be half the person I am today if I did not have my faith. What's interesting though, is when people ask me questions about what I believe and why I believe a certain way, I cannot always give clear-cut answers. This is not to say I don't have answers to these questions, because I do. However, sometimes, explaining faith or Christianity can be a touchy subject.

   Christianity is something a person just has to accept. Faith is not based on "the hard facts" or scientific knowledge. Faith just... is. The decision to have faith is ultimately up to the person. A person has to really feel a connection in order for faith to make any sense at all. The answers

cannot be found in a book, they are always there; the person just has to find them.

   What I am more curious about is why people are not religious. I do not wish to criticize or pass judgment. I simply wish to understand their point of view. From what I have observed and inferred from conversations and my own personal experience, the subject of religion immediately puts people on the defense. People feel the need to convince another person to conform to their beliefs. This should not be the case.  A person cannot believe something simply because he is told to; he has the freedom to believe whatever he wishes to believe.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken"

Psalm 62:1-2

   So, why are people religious? Well, why are people not religious? Do these questions really have one answer? Each individual has their own opinions on the matter. There is no right or wrong answer. Many people interpret religion differently. Though, for some reason, because of these various viewpoints, the subject has become one that is unpleasant and often avoided. While people can be extremely opinionated, they are entitled to their opinion.
   Such questions cannot be tackled in a ten minute class discussion or half page journal. These are the questions that cause me to stop, think, and evaluate my own beliefs and reasoning. I am curious if they cause other people to do the same.

Xronia Polla!

   Looking back, 2010 has been quite a year. There were ups and downs, but I now realize the purpose and the plan behind every obstacle in my path. I remember how much I hurt, how sad I was at times, and how much I hated and wished & wished & wished for the easy way out. I must say, those times certainly were not pleasant, but I understand now that they were necessary for me to grow and strengthen my relationship with Christ. That relationship should always be my first priority, and this year, I really want to keep that in mind.
   I feel that I have grown so much over these past few months, and I have a completely different outlook on life. I can only hope that my mentality remains the same and that I have patience for any hardships 2011 may bring, and that I may embrace every second of joy that I am blessed with, keeping in mind why I am blessed with them. I want to thank God for a truly amazing year. Without Him, I would not be able to look back with the understanding that I now have.

   Today, as I sat in church listening to the sermon, I started to evaluate my "new year's resolutions". A resolution should go beyond just "eating healthy" or "less procrastination", a resolution should encompass at least one thing that would allow for spiritual growth or pleasing God in some way. I really want to work on maintaining and strengthening my relationship with God. I feel that it is so easy to lose sight of that relationship and blur the lines between happiness from God and happiness from this world. I can say that I am grateful all that I want, and I can say that I will actively live out God's word all that I want, but nothing matters unless I follow through with my word. I want to be an active believer. I want to live out my faith on a daily basis. I cannot do it alone, and I know that God will be with me every step of the way. This is His year.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do"

James 1:22-25



:)