a new beginning.

   Sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball and escape the world. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I have fallen so far down, it seem impossible for me to find my way back up. Though each time I fall, I hide I am never alone. Each time I cry, Someone can hear me. Most importantly, every time I fall, Someone is there to pick me back up. me. An ungrateful, undeserving, sinful human being. There are so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin

   First things first, why I feel insignificant. I am no better than anyone else who walks this earth. I am imperfect and do not always seek answers from the "right" sources. Sometimes, I use this world and the people who walk it to define my character. I feel worthless because somebody wronged me. I feel ridiculous because I let myself become swallowed up by materialism and unrealistic ideas.

Sometimes, I feel like crying. I can't help it. Why did this happen? When will it stop hurting? Am I really that insignificant that I don't even deserve a real explanation? Why do I still feel like this? When will it make sense? Why do I care so much? WHY. Seriously, this is so ridiculous. I should not be dwelling on situations in this world. Instead of wondering when I will be okay again, I should be wondering why I'm not okay already. Obviously, God has something different in mind for me. Sometimes, we need to fall down so that we can be reminded God will always be there to pick us back up. We need to  understand that we need to rely on God, not anyone else, for our happiness. We, as humans, are so incredibly selfish and we constantly seek the answers that are pleasing  to us. We want to know when things will get better for us, when someone else will see our side of the story. We cannot expect cooperation and understanding from others if we fail to do so ourselves. I have learned that God communicates with us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes, we are not at all pleased with the situation He has presented us, but in the end, we need to understand that everything He does has both a purpose and a reason. God will never give us a situation that we are unable to handle. He will always be there to support us and carry us through our most difficult times.

   I'm trying to change, I'm going to change. I am slowly learning how to be myself with God. For too long, I have defined myself by the relationships I've had with other people. I've acted in ways to fit the roles I thought I was supposed to be. The daughter who hides from her parents, the friend who hides her feelings, the believer who goes through the motions. I am tired of not being okay with the person I am. I am done letting myself fall into the same trap, the same situation, with the same outcome. I am through being passive. I am an active believer. No longer will I sulk. No longer will I wish for understanding.

   Accepting the situation is difficult, learning how to move on is worse. The difference is, this time, I am truly starting over. I am putting everything I have in God. I am giving him my troubles, worries, sadness, problems, and anything else that will prevent me from seeing how much He really does love me. It's not going to be easy. I'm not saying that I won't be sad, that I'll be totally okay with everything, because I won't.

   The hardest part is that while this is a new beginning to my life, while I'm starting a new chapter, I'm walking with God, building a relationship; it's also a goodbye. I have to leave everything behind me. I cannot be this person if I keep any of it with me. This is what truly tears me apart. This is one of the hardest things I have done in my life so far. I don't know exactly what the "right thing" is, but I do know that if I don't do this, if I don't say goodbye, I can never move on. It's hard.

   I have to change the lifestyle I have grown so comfortable with, the lifestyle I have grown to actually like. I convinced myself I was okay. I told myself it would be alright. I let myself live in a ridiculous world in which I could never truly give myself to God. I was never actually happy. I prayed & prayed for things to improve, for things to finally "go my way." When they did, I was ecstatic. I was beyond happy. Not a single day went by that I didn't catch myself smiling for "no 'apparent' reason." No matter how much I miss that feeling, I have to understand it wasn't real.

   Although I thanked & praised God for my good fortune, it was as if He was not the direct source for my happiness. In all honesty, I don't think He was. I let someone from this world control my mood. That cannot happen anymore. I need to learn how to be joyful because God loves me. I should be rejoicing everyday because God wants to talk to me. If I really want to let that happen, I need to let that part of me go, all of it.

You'll never see this. You probably don't care all that much anyways. I know this is selfish, but this is for my own benefit, not yours. I am moving on. I am done. I know you already have, but I haven't. I still hurt. I still care. I still will. Even when I am totally over it, I won't be; which is why I can't be your friend. Honestly, I don't think I can ever really be your friend. I am so sorry, really, I am. I am being selfish, but this is the only way I can move on and give everything I have to God. Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do [though I am only 17...]. This is it. I don't know if I'll ever really tell you, I don't know if I ever really can. I wish I could be your friend. You're a really great friend, which makes this so much harder. Though, the thing is, I will always see you as someone more than just a friend. Even after everything, I don't know if I can change that. The only way to change that is time. I don’t know how much time, but I do know that even after having all the time in the world, it will be too easy for me to fall back into the same trap I am trying to break out of. I am not trying to say that you have trapped me, I am not blaming you. I am blaming myself for letting that happen to me. I should have been more careful, more aware, more alert. That doesn't change the fact that every time I see you I want to disappear; Every time I think about everything that happened, I want to cry. I can't think of you as my friend, because I never saw you that way in the first place. The day I met you was the day I fell. Now, it's different, not only have I fallen, but I feel lied to. I can't be your friend if I don't feel that I can trust you. I can't be open with you. I don't think you can be open with me, which is why it didn't work. I know that now. I'm sorry. I don't think I can ever really say that to you. This is my closure, I need to move on. I am going to move on. I have to let go of the past, I know I won't ever forget, but I cannot continue to hold these ties that only tear me apart. Goodbye.

   I am so blessed. I have started to see the beauty in my own life that I have easily overlooked. I have so many people in my life to be grateful for. My life is full of people who care for me, love me, and will always support me. I am thankful that God has blessed me with these people. My life would not be the same without the love and support from my friends and compassion from my family.

This is my 100th post. I am starting something new. I am leaving the past in the past. From now on, I am going to live for God in the present, because in the future, He has something incredible planned for me. I know that I can trust Him because every time I fall, He is there to catch me. Every time I fail, He is there to pick me up. God knows what I need and what I can handle. He loves me unconditionally, and He will guide my path. I am never alone when I trust in Him. Instead of being anxious, I am going to embrace the future. I will not be afraid anymore. I am capable of overcoming all obstacles with God by my side, and that leaves me with no reason to fear or be weary of any situation I  find myself in. I have God & that will always be enough for me. 

Now, I need to focus on truly, truly, truly believing & understanding that statement.

stop. just stop. stop. stop. stop. go away. get out. leave.
Why can't I make you leave? It's because I'm being selfish.
All I'm doing is wishing this pain away. I'm not saying I should
embrace it or anything, but I know I need to trust God and
let Him piece me back together because I know I can't do
it alone.

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all

who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire

of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and

save them."

Psalm 145:18-19

talking about nothing means talking about anything.
everything ridiculous, random, and insignificant.
we don't need specifics to have a real conversation.
fun comes with spontaneity.
thank you.

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD"

Psalm 27:14

if it really was real, why does it all seem so fake to me now?

Everything.

   You don't understand. You can't possibly understand. I really can't expect you to, and I have failed to explain it. I can't though, there is only so much I can say. It's different this time. It's not the same. It's done. You can say you tried, but you didn't. I know you. You can't. You can't say you tried because I know you can't be open with me. You can't communicate with me. You can't expect to fix something on your own. You can't expect me to think that's okay. It's not okay. You have no idea what you have done. The fact that you kept something from me is what is most upsetting. It's not that you decided it wasn't working, it's that you didn't tell me when you first believed there to be a problem. You can't do that, you just can't. You will never understand because you really just can't. You don't get that I waited and waited for this. You don't know how much I cared. You don't realize that although you said we tried, we didn't. I wanted something more and you were unsure of what to do. You thought you could fix things on your own, so you tried to mold whatever it was we were doing into something you could make sense of. When something is wrong, people talk about it. They discuss their issues and come to a conclusion together. They don't try and fix things on their own, decide it can't work, and walk away. You gave up before it even started. You can say whatever you want, but I know it's not true. Actions speak louder. They always have, they always will. You isolated yourself. You weren't open. You didn't understand. "We" didn't not work out, you didn't know how to try. There is so much more I want to say to you, but I can't. I am not angry, I am upset. I am so disappointed in you. I trusted you. I trusted that you wouldn't do this to me. For the first time, you are not the person I thought you were. For the first time, you actually hurt me. Of all people, you. You are the last person I expected this from. You handled this situation so poorly. It all feels wrong now. It feels so wrong. It doesn't seem real. It seems so fake. I wish it didn't. This is not how it should have been. I can't look at you the same. I can't be your friend. I can't be okay until I forget the person I thought you were. I can't remember you like that, not after this, it wouldn't be fair to me. I don't want to think about that person. You can't be him, you really just can't, because he would never do anything like this to me. He wouldn't, I know that. You are not him. The sad thing is, I still know you. I know you too well. That makes this worse. Everything is worse. You have made this so much worse than it needs to be, and you don't even see it. You can't see it. You won't see it.

   Everything I wish I could say to you. Everything I never will. Everything you don't know. Everything I wish you did.

   Does it hurt? Do you care? When you see me, does your heart skip like mine does? When you think of me, are you sad? Does it mean the same things to you as it did to me? Do you feel as lost as I do? Do you wonder what you did wrong? I do. Did it ever occur to you that we could have worked together? Do I really mean that little to you? Do you want to forget? Are you already over it? Were you ever really in it? Did you ever truly care? Do you know what it means to care? Do you know how I feel? Do you know how I felt? Do you know what I've been through? No. Did it ever mean the same to you? Don't you think it would have been a good idea to let me know what you were thinking? Did that not seem obvious? Did you know how happy I was? Do you know that was all I ever wanted? Do you know that it started the first day I met you? Did you know it might have even started before that? Do you remember the first time we actually spoke? Did you know that's when I fell? Do you know how hard I fell? Do you know how much this hurts? Do you know how much I've already hurt? Does it matter to you? Does any of this really matter to you? I don't think it does. I don't think it ever will. Do you even want to know? What were you thinking all those years? What were you thinking these past few months? What are you thinking now? You'll never tell me. I'll never know. How could you possibly ever understand?

   Everything I want to know. Everything I want to ask. Everything I never can. Everything I never will.

   The worst part is, it's real this time. It's so much worse because it's all done. It's never going to go back to normal. We can never be friends. I never was your friend. I don't know if I can ever be your friend. I don't know how long this will take to mend. I want you to know I'm over you, but I'm not over who I thought you were. It's hard to come to terms with the facts that it's done. Just like that, it's all over. Everything I've hoped and prayed and wished for, that's all. This is it. It's so different than before. It's really over. It's not going to be okay this time. It's not going to fix itself.

I'm broken.

Everything that happened. Everything that never will. Everything is done.

I heard this song on K-LOVE today & it made me smile. It was nice.

thank you.

Is it really that easy to keep hurting me? Is it too much to ask for it all to just go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore. Again. Especially not now.

well, that's that.

yeah, definitely didn't see that one coming.

I'll just wait and see what my next move should be, because to be totally honest, I don't even know what to say or think anymore. At least I'm not alone.



it's the unexpected that never fails to make us smile.



Friendship.

definition of friendship.

   Thank you for being the greatest friend I could ever ask for. I love you to death and I seriously do not know what I would do without you. Whenever I need anything, I know you're always there. I cannot even begin to explain everything you've done for me. I am so thankful to have you in my life and I don't know how many other ways I can say that. Even when it seems like nothing else is going right, I know you'll listen. You've always been there to pick me up when I'm down, and I hope you know I'll always do the same for you! Don't ever stop being totally amazing. Thank you for being totally and completely awesome. I love you.