I just don't know.

   Sometimes, I can't help but hate myself. I refuse to hate another person, so why am I an exception? I refuse to judge a friend or foe, but why do I constantly judge myself? Am I not a child of God as well? If this is true, why do I let myself do this? I am a horrible person to myself. I work so hard to follow God and accept all His people, but somehow, I have forgotten that I am one of those people. I can say that I love every human and detest their sins, but don't I fall into that category? Why is it okay to feel so terrible about myself, especially when it causes me to question God? That is not okay. I should be happy with everything that I have. I am so fortunate, and I feel that by questioning God I am not acknowledging that.
   While this is true, I still cannot accept myself. I can accept everyone else, give everyone who has wronged me, hurt me, brought about tears, the benefit of the doubt; but I cannot even accept my own self. How twisted is that? Why am I not okay with how I look? Why am I not okay with what I have done? If I am blessed enough to have a loving family and a safe place to live, why do I still look for more? Why am I constantly criticizing myself? Why do I let myself fall into these awful cycles? Why do I let myself hate the image I see in the mirror? Why is this okay?
   This isn't okay. I wish I could stop myself, but I can't. I wish I could change, but I don't know how. I wish I could accept myself for who I am, but I don't know if I ever will. I know I am never alone, but sometimes, I feel empty. Sometimes, I look at myself and think, why? Why did I do this? How did this happen? The negativity I hold towards myself has destroyed my self-confidence. I ruined me. I ruined God's creation.
   I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to be okay. I want to feel okay. I want to look at myself and be happy with the person I am. I want to look past my imperfections and accept the image staring back at me. I can't do this alone, and thankfully, I don't have to. I want to stop doubting myself, for it not only destroys me, but also hinders my relationship with God. That is not justified under any circumstances. Anything that takes away from actively living my faith should not be tolerated. I wish it were as easy to do as it is to write.
   I don't even feel like myself anymore. I want my life back. I want my normality back. I want my happiness back. I feel as though I am merely going through the motions to get through the day. I should be grateful for everyday that I am alive, and share that happiness with everyone around me. I am failing to do so. I want to be sure of myself again. I want to feel again.

My best friend.



Alina & I ( she should take more pictures... with me)

    I love spending time with the family. I especially love having time to spend with my sister, Alina. We were shopping around today and it was just really fun. Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am to have such amazing sisters. I have three other sisters, and they are equally great. However, I would like to dedicate this message to Alina. Thanks for being so hilarious all the time. Even when you make me angry, I know I can't stay mad at you because I'll want to talk to you about something totally random within the next five minutes. I can tell that sometimes you don't always think my stories are funny, but you listen anyways. I love how you like telling me about your French tests or weird television shows. You always put a smile on my face. I just want you to know how awesome you are and how much fun I have spending time with you. Thank you for being my sister, but more importantly, my best friend.

Se Agapo.

My mother, Yiayia, & I!

My Grandma & I!

   I really enjoyed seeing the family on Thanksgiving! I love them all so much! My grandma is leaving for Florida in a few days; I'm really going to miss her, as I won't see her again until March! Unless you truly know her well, you'd never really understand her. I love her attitude towards life. She will never admit to feeling lousy, she always says that she feels as healthy as ever, refusing to accept sickness. I really admire that about her. She is seriously one of the most positive and hilarious people that I know. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I lover her so much. I can't wait until Easter so I can see her again!
   As we all know, the day after Thanksgiving, "Black Friday", has just about everyone heading out to the stores. Just about all of my relatives fall into this "everyone" category. After Thanksgiving dinner, as everyone settles down and starts on desserts, the pens and papers come out. Aunts and cousins walk around with their little notepads asking each child what is on their Christmas list. With five girls in my immediate family alone, things spiral into chaos rather quickly.
   When the time came that I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, I replied, "I want to be happy." No one really knew what I meant by that. So they asked again, "What can we get you? What's on your list? There's got to be something..." I replied again, "I don't need anything, really. I just want a memorable Christmas." For some reason, no one really understood why I didn't want anything for Christmas. This was a little puzzling for me, seeing as Christmas is not about presents at all, it's about celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Though, inevitably, they continued to ask, for they claimed although I didn't need anything, I must want something. Well, of course I do, everyone always wants a little something new in their life. However, this year, I decided that I am not going to ask for anything. Sure, I could tell people I want that new movie, or the adorable sweater on display, but in a month or two from now, what will I remember more? The gifts in dusty corner of my closet, or a totally amazing Christmas with the family?
   Even after I explained this, they continued to bombard me with questions, "What will you do while everyone else is opening presents?" I told them, "I will give all of you the gifts I have prepared, and watch you all smile." (By the way, the gifts I plan on giving are purely from the heart and not materialistic in any way at all. I am really excited). I found it so strange that people were insistent on discovering what I wanted for Christmas. There was so much focus on what to buy, how much to spend, who gets what gift. I looked at the lists of everyone around me, and I'm not saying I didn't ask, and receive, those same gifts, but I realized that all of the expensive presents in the world cannot give me what I really want. I told them, "You cannot give me what I want. It is not something that can be bought, nor anything any of you can wrap in a box; I don't quite know how to explain it to you, but it's probably not going to happen. All that I ask is that you do something that makes you happy. Make this Christmas memorable. I'm going to college in a year, I just want to have a fun time with the family."
   All I want is to be happy. I want a holiday season I can remember. You cannot purchase something like this in a store, you cannot stuff it in an envelope. Christmas is not about gifts. Christmas is about Jesus Christ. This holiday should be celebrated to glorify Him, not to max out credit cards buying pricey electronics that will soon rot in forgotten drawers. People say that good things come in small packages. I say that the best things don't come in packages at all. They come from the heart.
   Happiness, compassion, love. These gifts cannot be bought, but they will bring the most joy.

"Light is shed upon the righteous and joy on the upright in heart. Rejoice in the LORD, you who are righteous, and praise his holy name"

                                              Psalm 97:11-12

Thank you.

Thank you, all of you, especially You.

   Sometimes, we search for comfort in all the wrong places. I am happy to say I will always have somewhere to turn. Sometimes, we do not tell people what they really mean to us; sometimes, they really need to know. So, here it goes.

Dear All,

   Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Thank you for picking me up when I'm down. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Thank you for helping me find the "silver lining", even when I was convinced it was not there. Thank you for celebrating with me. Thank you for putting me down, for it made me realize that I have a way back up. Thank you for making me realize there are more important things in life. Thank you for telling me I am perfect the way I am. Thank you for staying strong when it is so easy to break down. Thank you for setting a positive example for me. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always putting a smile on my face. Thank you for being adorable. Thank you for being forgiving. Thank you for being the most wonderful person I have ever met. Thank you for being everything I cannot. Thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for showing me how to be myself. Thank you for remaining a constant, stable, reliable friend. Thank you, so much, for not leaving me in the dark. Thank you for hurting me, for you only made me stronger. Thank you for every tear, for it has shown me I am human. Thank you for making me wonder, for you have caused me to rely on my faith. Thank you for loving me when I felt so alone. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for showing me a totally different perspective. Thank you for making me feel good. Thank you for making me feel horrible. Thank You for providing for me.

Thank you, everyone.

Give a little.

   As the holiday season approaches, and the gift purchasing begins, I think it is important to think about what exactly we are giving. Sure, the latest and greatest technology has to offer is on every kid's list, but what does it mean? Will they really remember that gift 10 years from now? How important will the iPad be when apple comes out with something new next year? Do the gifts under the tree really mean what we want them to?
   What do you want this holiday season? If it is material culture, you've probably got the wrong idea. Actually, you do have the wrong idea. I am not out to bash any kid who asks for a new toy or fun game, but I believe that I can safely say, gift-giving has gotten way out of hand. What are we trying to accomplish by giving these gifts to our loved ones? Does the Tiffany bracelet really prove your love? Will that flat-screen television fill the hole in your heart? These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves.
   The greatest gift anyone can give is happiness. Happiness does not come from material culture or "prized possessions", it comes from the heart. Why are we celebrating gifts instead of the Lord's birth? Granted, He wasn't actually born in December, but if this is the day we choose to honor His birth, why are we so worried about spending money on expensive gifts that will soon rot in the bottoms of dusty toy bins?
   This holiday season, think about those who are less fortunate. Although they have little, they probably have a much clearer concept on what Christmas actually means. Give someone the gift of love, compassion, happiness. These are gifts that can be cherished for a lifetime, not just a week. When someone asks you what you want for Christmas (or your birthday... this concept can be applied throughout the ENTIRE year), ask them what makes them happy. Tell them you don't need anything, because you probably don't. Show someone else you care. Share whatever joy you have in your life with the others around you. If you can make at least one person smile or understand what the celebration is really about, you have given a gift greater than any amount of money could buy.

Questions.

   What is happiness? Who defines our self-worth? Why do we believe in looking perfect if humans are made with imperfection? Where do we look for these answers? When will we realize that God is the only answer?
   I know that I question myself on a daily basis, and doing so, I feel like I am questioning God's plan. That simply isn't right. God made me a certain way for a reason. I am unique and unlike anyone else on this planet. God loves me. So why can't I see myself the way he sees me? Why can't I just be happy with what he has given me? Because I'm human. A terrible excuse, I know. For that, I am sorry.
   I seek forgiveness for the sins I have committed and continue to commit on a daily basis. Both in thought and deed, I sin. It is a known fact that we, as humans, sin. We brought sin into the world, and we only have ourselves to blame for the imperfections in this world. We cannot judge others on what they wear or how they act, for we are no different. My sins are no different than anyone else's. All sins are seen as equal in God's eyes.
   I love God. I am grateful that he made me who I am. I know he has a plan for me. I trust him completely. I pray that I can stop looking too far ahead and questioning that plan. Patience. Patience. Patience. I will be patient.


   I want to actively show my love for God. God is the most amazing creator in the entire universe. I want people to look at me and see my passion for Him. I want God to shine through me.

So what does it mean?

   Unfortunately, in more ways than one, marriage is becoming obsolete in today's society. Some people don't have the money, others do not see it as necessary, and then there are people who simply do not care. Cohabitation is a trend that seems to be on the rise. The idea of living together before marriage seems like the perfect way to "test drive the car before sealing the deal". While this may seem like a stupendous idea and the perfect way to determine whether or not a marriage will be successful, studies have shown that this is simply not the case. In fact, cohabitation can sometimes cause marriages to be less likely at being successful. If this is the case, why do so many people choose this path? Is marriage just another fading fad? Or are we, as people in this world, ignorant to love and the real purpose for marriage?
   Knowing that God created marriage, what was his purpose? What is his opinion on dating? If the two have different meanings, why do people believe that marriage is unnecessary. Genesis 2:18, 24 says, "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him and help meet for him...Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
   God sees marriage as a source for salvation. In marriage, a person genuinely cares about another soul, puts someone else's needs first. Marriage is a sacred bond that is not to be toyed with. When a couple performs their vows, they not only make a promise to love and cherish one another to each other, but also to God. Dating is the process by which the relationship is tested, marriage is the promise.
   Cohabitation is not a substitute for marriage. Living together is not the same as being married. In today's society, marriage is not looked upon as seriously as it was decades ago. Marriage is a a lifestyle a person must commit to, it is not perfect, nothing ever is. Though many people claim they do not need marriage to show how they feel, they are wrong. If people believe marriage to be unnecessary, they simply aren't ready to commit. They must not feel as strongly as they say, or they do not know the meaning of marriage. Marriage should not be taking lightly, it is a serious promise and requires full devotion on both parts.
   Marriage is commitment. Marriage is accountability. Marriage is salvation. Marriage is not a ring. Marriage is not a legal obligation. Marriage is not a legal contract. Marriage is a holy covenant with God.
  
   "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
                                                                                                     Matthew 19:6 (NRSV)

For more information (click):

 

Who Needs Marriage? How an American Institution Is changing

The Decline of Marriage And Rise of New Families: Survey results

Sometimes, we all need something to brighten our days.

               (our hotel in Kansas...please note: I am not really a camera person)              
                     
    This just makes me smile. I love the holiday season, I can't wait to see my family next week! I love Thanksgiving because both my mother's and father's (sides of the) family come to our house for dinner. I love seeing everyone smile. Smiling is so contagious, especially when it's truly genuine. What I love most is just feeling the warmth and happiness in the air. I feel so safe and at home during this time of the year. I am so blessed to be part of such a loving family. As crazy as they can be sometimes, I wouldn't trade them for anyone else in this world.

Today I witnessed something called the "Clothesline Project". It was actually quite interesting. Survivors, or those who didn't, of abuse and rape were recognized by t-shirts that told their stories. While looking at the shirts, different sounds were made to represent statistics of abuse, rape, and murder. As I read the various t-shirts, some of the stories were truly amazing.
   What stood out to me most were those who wrote they had found God and were so grateful to be free. I commend those who are able to be so strong in their faith, and I am truly, truly thankful that I have never been tested in such a way. I think that it is totally amazing that those people are able to remain strong and faithful in times of such despair. However, I came across one shirt that flat out blamed God for everything they had been through. At that point, I stopped reading t-shirts. I was done. Of all the stories I read about rape, incest, and abuse, the shirt that insulted my God was the most offensive. I was so upset.
   I know that I cannot possibly understand how awful their situation must have been, but to blame God? Of all people, to blame the creator who loves all of us eternally? I can only hope they realize that it is not his fault this awful sin exists in our world, but our own. Adam and Eve brought sin into the world, humans brought sin into the world, NOT God. We are imperfect, as we sin on a daily basis. WE are not deserving of HIS love. God did not bring this tragedy into the world, we did; and that is something we must seek forgiveness for everyday.

   Sometimes, I need to be protected from myself. I let myself get caught up in my ideal world and sometimes, it interferes with the real world. It's not fair to God for me to wonder what his reasons are. I should automatically follow and trust him completely. Yet, I constantly find myself searching for answers, hoping for signs, when what I should really be doing is being patient. Impatience is what got me into trouble the first time, so why am I making the same mistake twice? I totally trust that God has a plan for me, of course he does. But sometimes, I create these images, visions, that may or may not come true. Sometimes, I need to be brought back down to reality because I am the only person who can hurt "me". What other people say do not matter, because I know that God will always love me. However, if I keep searching for answers that I am not meant to find, I am only hurting myself. I need to be patient. I need to stay faithful. I need to be protected. I don't want to let myself fall, even though God will catch me, I shouldn't let things escalate to that point.

                                                      2010 Scratching Post Staff!
   We attended a convention this past weekend in Kansas City. It was seriously the best field trip I have ever been on. I had such a great time, and I learned so much! I made so many memories that I will never forget! I loved every second of that weekend: plane rides, seminars, adventures, calling my sisters - you name it, I loved it! I feel like I had the opportunity to bond and learn about all of my fellow staff members. I feel so blessed that I was able to spend the weekend with such awesome people, and I cannot wait resume work on this issue of the paper! I loved everything about this trip. I am so thankful for every minute I spent in Kansas and I hope there are more group outings in the future!

& sometimes I wonder what you're thinking.

   I am thankful that I have something, anything, to be thankful for. I'm glad that I have a God who listens to me and a home that welcomes me. I am especially grateful that I have the privilege of attending church every Sunday, I have a place of worship where no one can tell me I'm wrong. I live in a world where I can have a different opinion, and I am justified. Even when things are going downhill, I know that they will start moving uphill sometime in the future. Downhill is only an adventure given to me to test my faith. I can't say I enjoy such an adventure, but I know I can only become stronger from it. I am just thankful to be thankful, thankful to be heard, thankful to be saved.


   "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
                                                                                          Romans 5:8

Why.

   Christianity is more than just a set of beliefs for me, Christianity is my faith and a lifestyle choice I have made and completely commit to. The Nicene Creed outlines the basic principles of Christianity: “I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible…” (The Nicene Creed). In Sunday school, when I was taught the Creed, my teacher told me that if anyone ever asked me what I believed, I should recite the Creed to them. When I wondered why I should ever have to memorize this or even want to recite these words to anyone, I realized that God extends His glory and offers His love to every person on this earth. God loves everyone, and as a Christian, I have an obligation to share His joy with the world; I would be selfish to keep His love to myself (Primicerio). I find His love to be incredibly overwhelming: God loves me. No matter what I do, He will never turn his back on me. I do not deserve His compassion, for I am a sinner, imperfect; but he shows mercy on me anyway. Because of His magnitude, I try my best to live a life that reflects the life of Jesus. I can only maintain such a lifestyle if I have faith in God. By living my life for God and expressing humility, I will consistently grow closer to Him, and He will give me the strength I need to share His love with others. His love can be expressed through my every day actions; I am merely an act dancing on an enormous stage, performing for the world and hoping that I can show them the glory of God (Primicerio). With all that God has given me and will continue to present to me, the least I can do is live my life for Him and not myself.

   As a Christian, I look at the world with an entirely different perspective. In today’s society, passing judgment and holding hatred toward another is not uncommon. Too often, people take one look at a person and decide he or she is a snob, poor, unintelligent, rude, a criminal, the list continues without an end. Despite the judgments people pass, Matthew 4:44-45, 48 says, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven…Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  Not only does this verse advocate that love should be expressed for all humankind, but the idea of living a Godly life is reinstated as well; living out each day in God’s footsteps and in His name, I can show Him that I truly am grateful for everything He has done for me. If all humans were created in God’s image, why then, do too many people in this world feel they are better than others? Why bother wasting time feeling angry and upset with someone when reconciling could bring joy for a lifetime. Matthew 7:2 says, “For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.” God treats all of His children equally, and everyone has a place in His heart. I want to live every day with no regrets, and accepting people for who they are is key to achieving this goal. By hating another human, animal, or an element of nature, I would hate one of God’s creations. Everything God created has a special kind of beauty and a specific purpose: I am in no position to question His will.

   Understanding God’s plan can be an extremely difficult task. Patience. In order to be Christian, I have found that I need to have patience. Throughout the course of life, various circumstances arise that may cause myself, or a person in general, to question God’s will or simply feel alone. Death, sickness, and crime. What could God be trying to communicate? Every day poses a new challenge that can seem impossible to overcome. I have been in situations that have left me confused and conflicted, and I honestly do not know where to turn. As I think about my problems, I remember I am never alone. God will never turn his back on me, He loves me unconditionally, and He will forever guide my path. Psalm 23:1, 4 says, “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want…Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me.” Metaphors exist throughout the Bible and stress the importance of God’s influence; as a shepherd, God guides the path of those who choose to follow him. I have no reason to be afraid of the future because God always has a plan, even when I do not. Matthew 6:34 says, “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Trying to look too far ahead will not strengthen my relationship with God or provide me with answers. The only solution to worrying and impatience is prayer. Nothing will ever be too complicated or insignificant in His eyes.

   “Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened,” (Matthew 7:7-8). God always has a plan and He will always provide. Although I am unworthy of His love and His mercy, He shares with me anyway. He is selfless and accepts all children in His kingdom. I cannot thank Him enough for all He has given me and all that He will give me. His love is never ending, and for that I am eternally grateful; I feel blessed that I was able to connect with Him at such an early age. Without a doubt, I would not be even half the person I am today if I had never experienced God’s love. Nothing in this world is more powerful.

My sisters are hilarious. While sometimes, doing my homework is totally impossible due to the ridiculous noise level, but some days, I really like the entertainment. Having a four year old has its us and downs, and today I saw both. It was hilarious to watch her disagree with everything my sister, Alina, said. It really made me cheer up a bit. I love them both dearly and I can't imagine what I would do without them. I am really grateful that I have so many people in my house that I can turn to for advice. I love them all and I couldn't ask for anyone better.

I am grateful to have numerous people in my life who share my beliefs. I feel like I always have someone to talk to when I am unsure or confused. God provides.