remembering isn't always a bad thing.

Overwhelmed by stress and frustration. I wish things were simpler, I wish things worked out the way I planned them, I wish that more of my wishes came true. 

Right now, what I need more than anything, is a hug from my Grams. I miss her like crazy. Every time I think about the holiday season, I'm excited to celebrate; but it's always followed by feelings of grief and sadness because I know she won't be there. Everyday is a new day, it's a new first day without being able to hear her voice. I wish it wasn't like this. I get angry because I think it's unfair, and I am always confused as to why she can't be here for me; but then I realize how selfish that is. It is quite possible that, for her, moving on to heaven was in her best interest. Maybe she really was struggling to hold on to her life on earth so that she could be with her family longer. She never put her own needs before anyone else's. I suppose it's learning to cope with that understanding of the situation that is the most difficult. I know that moving to a better life is what she needed, but that doesn't mean I was ready to let her go. 

I think the reason I've been thinking about this so much lately is because I'm at a new school, starting over. Last year I remember getting singing cards and cute letters from her by this point in the year, I could go for a walk throughout campus and giver her a call just to catch up. It's hard not being able to do that anymore. It's even harder to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to do that again, at least not literally. 

People always say, 'it's going to be okay, you know she's always with you,' and I know they're right, but that doesn't make it easy. I love walking around wearing her cross, it's something that makes me feel like she's always with me and close to my heart. It's something that reminds me I'm not alone, I have the greatest guardian angel anyone could ever ask for. It reminds me that she is one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given me. 

When I'm feeling down, all I need to do is look up and know that she is up there with God watching over me, and that brings me comfort in her passing. 

Some people might think that because it was so long ago, I should have come to terms with her passing by this point; but death isn't something anyone ever really accepts. People learn to live their lives as best they can without their loved ones, but they never forget what it felt like to lose them. Carrying on gets easier and harder at the same time, but the best way to get through it is to continue looking up and never forget who is watching over you with more love than anyone could possibly fathom.

Sometimes staying strong is the hardest part.

I love you & miss you like crazy Grams.

Time is Love.

e

Time is love, yes. Every second of the day, we should be expressing our love, not only to our loved ones, but also to everyone around us. Love isn't just the bond between two people who care about each other, love isn't just the bond between families. Love goes so far beyond anything we can fathom here on this earth. Love is what brings people together and tears them apart. Love is so incredibly powerful, love is bigger than all of us. 

Regardless of what our personal opinions of others are, everyone deserves to be loved. While we don't always realize it, we are spreading love on a daily basis. Whether it's offering a hand to someone in need or directly telling someone "I love you," we are sharing the greatest gift we have been given. 

It is easy so share love with those we care about and enjoy being around; however, showing kindness to our enemies is a much more difficult task. How willing is anyone to go out of their way to help someone they know would never help them? How willing would we be to offer kindness towards someone who gives cruelty in return? What we don't always realize is what a person might be feeling underneath the surface. That cruelty we see in another might stem from an emptiness inside of them that only love can fill. 

Love stems from something much stronger than anyone walking on this earth. Love can make people do crazy things, act in ways that seem absolutely ridiculous to anyone else. That's what is so beautiful about love. In the eyes of the beholder, doing something out of love is natural, nothing out of the ordinary. Love gives people hope. Love gives people a reason to believe there is more to life than darkness. Love is the greatest gift anyone can ever give. Love is one of the simplest gestures that can make the strongest difference.

Love will never be outdated. Love will never seem silly. Love will always be something people search for. Love will always be one of the few things that connects everyone on this earth. Love is what changes us for the better. Love is what causes us to think about others' needs before our own. Love is what brings us some of the happiest and most important pieces of our lives together. Love brings us to life. Everyone is entitled to love.

I am incentive, I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things I need...Some times I test your trust, I dunno why do you stay with me? I'm hard to love... I don't make it easy...I don't deserve it but I love that you love me.

 -LB

I did it for us.

I love this song :]

Even if this song is simple and probably wasn't meant to be dissected, it just really makes me think about my life & what I have. It makes me think of what I do just to make my boyfriend happy; but that makes me think of everything he does to make me happy. I probably don't think about what I can do to make him happy half as much as he tells me that my happiness will always come before his. I will admit, that I get very annoyed with this at times and think he is overly attached and clingy. Sometimes I wonder if he is just so caught up in love he doesn't see me flaws. 

I have never met anyone quite like him.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I know there is unbalance. I know he loves me & cares for this relationship more than I do. I feel guilty because the distance gets to me so easily, I become frustrated with the little things so much more often than he does. I can honestly say that no matter what I do, he will never tell me I am wrong or place any blame on me. For some reason that I will probably never understand, this guy sees me as the most perfect and wonderful thing in this world. I don't know how or what I did to make him fall for me. I don't understand why he feels that way, I am far from perfect. I certainly don't remind him that I love him as much as he reminds me.

I understand that he cares about me. a lot. It's obvious. I just don't understand why, especially when I get annoyed at him for loving me so much. What kind of a girlfriend does that make me? I'm annoyed at my boyfriend for being in love with me? And on top of that, he STILL falls more and more in love with me every day. 

If you're reading this and don't know me very well, you probably think I'm insane and delusional; but if you know my boyfriend, you'd know I'm not exaggerating, not even a little. 

I suppose love works in mysterious ways. I suppose you could say I have what most girls dream of having. You'd probably be right. Though being the skeptical and critical person I am, I still find flaws with this boy. I mean if I'm unhappy, I'm not afraid to say it & when I'm angry with the way things are going, I have no problem voicing my opinion. While initially my boyfriend doesn't act all nice and sweet and happy, by the end of the conversation, he ends up taking all the responsibility... even when I know it's my problem not his. I have never met someone who would literally do anything just to be with another person. I've never been with someone willing to fight so hard for me. 

I suppose what I'm getting that is I really should be more grateful. I have this incredible guy who never wants to see me go, and all I do is find problems with our relationship. Sometimes I feel like I take him for granted. What happens when he finally realizes I'm not worth all the trouble? It will probably be too late at that point. If I don't quit pushing him away, eventually he'll really be gone. Now I know he says that will never happen, but I know it will. I'm not sure why I have this cynical view of relationships. I don't know why I'm so convinced I don't deserve to have someone who loves me the way he does.

I would just like to point out that I am not a horrible girlfriend. It's just lately, I've been getting upset at things that never bothered me in the past. I would also like to mention that I do tell me boyfriend I love him & send cute gestures his way, just not as frequent as he sends them my way. I guess what I really want to know is if there's something wrong with me. I mean, I have this guy who will do anything I ask, but I still find problems with him. He tends to worry about everything, to the point where it's incredibly excessive. Though when I think about it, I know he's only worried about my safety and happiness. And, in his defense, he's gotten a lot better about freaking out less over the past half a year or so.

So what do I do?

Well, I really just needed to sort through my thoughts. I'm glad that we are taking things one day at a time, it's definitely making LDR much easier. I'm trying not to be so skeptical or look too far ahead. I'm going to try and focus on the present, the now, doing my part to make this a happy relationship; because that's what it should be, happy. I never realized how complicated things would be when we went away to school. I never even imagined myself dating him in the first place. I can honestly say I don't have any regrets. I'm glad we got together. I have grown & learned so much about myself and what love really means throughout this relationship. I can only hope that I can continue to grow and learn, but this time, I hope that we grow together & walk on the same path. I think this is going to be good for us.

a new year, a new beginning

I've been here at Illinois State for about a month and I absolutely love it. I love the campus, I love the people, I love my apartment, I just love being happy. I will say that I miss all of my friends & sisters at Marquette, but I don't miss Marquette. I don't miss Milwaukee, I don't miss the noise, I don't miss the Milwaukee Public Transit, I don't miss the small campus, I don't miss feeling lost. 

I feel like I belong here, I feel part of something, I feel so much happier here than I ever did at Marquette. I am scared, though. I'm scared of falling behind or losing myself. Everything is so different here, it's out of my norm and usual comfort zone; but that's exactly what I was looking for. I need somewhere that I can be comfortable being uncomfortable, and I've found that here. 

I have a fresh start, a new beginning, a new place to make friends and keep the old. I love the fresh air and the open space. I love sitting on the quad and taking in the beauty all around me. I love this feeling. 

I am looking forward to everything these next two and a half years have to offer, I know I'll be happy here, and I know I made the right decision.

I do miss my family. It's harder being further away. It's probably a good thing though. I need to build a life and community with people here. I don't want to want to leave. I want to be here and be happy about it. I want to miss being here over semester breaks. I want to feel like I am at home away from home.

I am looking forward to the different clubs I am a part of. I joined a service fraternity, and I'm really excited to help out the community and make new friends along the way. I'm part of the honors program, which has really motivated me to work hard and keep my grades up. I'm joining some different teacher organizations which will be really helpful when I start looking for student teaching positions. I'm also looking for a Christian community to join because I really want to feel connected and have people I can talk to and grow with.

While this was a drastic change and something completely new, I do not have any regrets. I only wish that I could share my experiences with my Grams. I miss her more and more every day. When I join a new club or walk to classes, I wish I could call her and tell her all about it. I know she sees how happy I am and she's always with me, but it's hard not being able to talk to her. It's hard knowing she's not here anymore. I know this feeling is never going to go away, but that's okay. I'd rather remember the happy moments even if it makes me sad. I'd rather have her with me in my heart, even if it reminds me I don't have her with me on earth. I know she is the best guardian angel I could have ever asked for. I'm also sad that I won't have Sister Joan around to make me smile and giggle over the holidays and teach me family history in a way only she knows how. I'm happy to have them both as guardian angels, but life here without them will never be the same. I miss them and love them both very much.

I would like to thank God for giving me the opportunity to challenge myself and  find happiness where I was least expecting it. I am so grateful to be here, and I know I could not be where I am today if I did not have my faith as the foundation for my life.