a new beginning.

   Sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball and escape the world. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I have fallen so far down, it seem impossible for me to find my way back up. Though each time I fall, I hide I am never alone. Each time I cry, Someone can hear me. Most importantly, every time I fall, Someone is there to pick me back up. me. An ungrateful, undeserving, sinful human being. There are so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin

   First things first, why I feel insignificant. I am no better than anyone else who walks this earth. I am imperfect and do not always seek answers from the "right" sources. Sometimes, I use this world and the people who walk it to define my character. I feel worthless because somebody wronged me. I feel ridiculous because I let myself become swallowed up by materialism and unrealistic ideas.

Sometimes, I feel like crying. I can't help it. Why did this happen? When will it stop hurting? Am I really that insignificant that I don't even deserve a real explanation? Why do I still feel like this? When will it make sense? Why do I care so much? WHY. Seriously, this is so ridiculous. I should not be dwelling on situations in this world. Instead of wondering when I will be okay again, I should be wondering why I'm not okay already. Obviously, God has something different in mind for me. Sometimes, we need to fall down so that we can be reminded God will always be there to pick us back up. We need to  understand that we need to rely on God, not anyone else, for our happiness. We, as humans, are so incredibly selfish and we constantly seek the answers that are pleasing  to us. We want to know when things will get better for us, when someone else will see our side of the story. We cannot expect cooperation and understanding from others if we fail to do so ourselves. I have learned that God communicates with us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes, we are not at all pleased with the situation He has presented us, but in the end, we need to understand that everything He does has both a purpose and a reason. God will never give us a situation that we are unable to handle. He will always be there to support us and carry us through our most difficult times.

   I'm trying to change, I'm going to change. I am slowly learning how to be myself with God. For too long, I have defined myself by the relationships I've had with other people. I've acted in ways to fit the roles I thought I was supposed to be. The daughter who hides from her parents, the friend who hides her feelings, the believer who goes through the motions. I am tired of not being okay with the person I am. I am done letting myself fall into the same trap, the same situation, with the same outcome. I am through being passive. I am an active believer. No longer will I sulk. No longer will I wish for understanding.

   Accepting the situation is difficult, learning how to move on is worse. The difference is, this time, I am truly starting over. I am putting everything I have in God. I am giving him my troubles, worries, sadness, problems, and anything else that will prevent me from seeing how much He really does love me. It's not going to be easy. I'm not saying that I won't be sad, that I'll be totally okay with everything, because I won't.

   The hardest part is that while this is a new beginning to my life, while I'm starting a new chapter, I'm walking with God, building a relationship; it's also a goodbye. I have to leave everything behind me. I cannot be this person if I keep any of it with me. This is what truly tears me apart. This is one of the hardest things I have done in my life so far. I don't know exactly what the "right thing" is, but I do know that if I don't do this, if I don't say goodbye, I can never move on. It's hard.

   I have to change the lifestyle I have grown so comfortable with, the lifestyle I have grown to actually like. I convinced myself I was okay. I told myself it would be alright. I let myself live in a ridiculous world in which I could never truly give myself to God. I was never actually happy. I prayed & prayed for things to improve, for things to finally "go my way." When they did, I was ecstatic. I was beyond happy. Not a single day went by that I didn't catch myself smiling for "no 'apparent' reason." No matter how much I miss that feeling, I have to understand it wasn't real.

   Although I thanked & praised God for my good fortune, it was as if He was not the direct source for my happiness. In all honesty, I don't think He was. I let someone from this world control my mood. That cannot happen anymore. I need to learn how to be joyful because God loves me. I should be rejoicing everyday because God wants to talk to me. If I really want to let that happen, I need to let that part of me go, all of it.

You'll never see this. You probably don't care all that much anyways. I know this is selfish, but this is for my own benefit, not yours. I am moving on. I am done. I know you already have, but I haven't. I still hurt. I still care. I still will. Even when I am totally over it, I won't be; which is why I can't be your friend. Honestly, I don't think I can ever really be your friend. I am so sorry, really, I am. I am being selfish, but this is the only way I can move on and give everything I have to God. Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do [though I am only 17...]. This is it. I don't know if I'll ever really tell you, I don't know if I ever really can. I wish I could be your friend. You're a really great friend, which makes this so much harder. Though, the thing is, I will always see you as someone more than just a friend. Even after everything, I don't know if I can change that. The only way to change that is time. I don’t know how much time, but I do know that even after having all the time in the world, it will be too easy for me to fall back into the same trap I am trying to break out of. I am not trying to say that you have trapped me, I am not blaming you. I am blaming myself for letting that happen to me. I should have been more careful, more aware, more alert. That doesn't change the fact that every time I see you I want to disappear; Every time I think about everything that happened, I want to cry. I can't think of you as my friend, because I never saw you that way in the first place. The day I met you was the day I fell. Now, it's different, not only have I fallen, but I feel lied to. I can't be your friend if I don't feel that I can trust you. I can't be open with you. I don't think you can be open with me, which is why it didn't work. I know that now. I'm sorry. I don't think I can ever really say that to you. This is my closure, I need to move on. I am going to move on. I have to let go of the past, I know I won't ever forget, but I cannot continue to hold these ties that only tear me apart. Goodbye.

   I am so blessed. I have started to see the beauty in my own life that I have easily overlooked. I have so many people in my life to be grateful for. My life is full of people who care for me, love me, and will always support me. I am thankful that God has blessed me with these people. My life would not be the same without the love and support from my friends and compassion from my family.

This is my 100th post. I am starting something new. I am leaving the past in the past. From now on, I am going to live for God in the present, because in the future, He has something incredible planned for me. I know that I can trust Him because every time I fall, He is there to catch me. Every time I fail, He is there to pick me up. God knows what I need and what I can handle. He loves me unconditionally, and He will guide my path. I am never alone when I trust in Him. Instead of being anxious, I am going to embrace the future. I will not be afraid anymore. I am capable of overcoming all obstacles with God by my side, and that leaves me with no reason to fear or be weary of any situation I  find myself in. I have God & that will always be enough for me. 

Now, I need to focus on truly, truly, truly believing & understanding that statement.