Overwhelmed by stress and frustration. I wish things were simpler, I wish things worked out the way I planned them, I wish that more of my wishes came true.
Right now, what I need more than anything, is a hug from my Grams. I miss her like crazy. Every time I think about the holiday season, I'm excited to celebrate; but it's always followed by feelings of grief and sadness because I know she won't be there. Everyday is a new day, it's a new first day without being able to hear her voice. I wish it wasn't like this. I get angry because I think it's unfair, and I am always confused as to why she can't be here for me; but then I realize how selfish that is. It is quite possible that, for her, moving on to heaven was in her best interest. Maybe she really was struggling to hold on to her life on earth so that she could be with her family longer. She never put her own needs before anyone else's. I suppose it's learning to cope with that understanding of the situation that is the most difficult. I know that moving to a better life is what she needed, but that doesn't mean I was ready to let her go.
I think the reason I've been thinking about this so much lately is because I'm at a new school, starting over. Last year I remember getting singing cards and cute letters from her by this point in the year, I could go for a walk throughout campus and giver her a call just to catch up. It's hard not being able to do that anymore. It's even harder to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to do that again, at least not literally.
People always say, 'it's going to be okay, you know she's always with you,' and I know they're right, but that doesn't make it easy. I love walking around wearing her cross, it's something that makes me feel like she's always with me and close to my heart. It's something that reminds me I'm not alone, I have the greatest guardian angel anyone could ever ask for. It reminds me that she is one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given me.
When I'm feeling down, all I need to do is look up and know that she is up there with God watching over me, and that brings me comfort in her passing.
Some people might think that because it was so long ago, I should have come to terms with her passing by this point; but death isn't something anyone ever really accepts. People learn to live their lives as best they can without their loved ones, but they never forget what it felt like to lose them. Carrying on gets easier and harder at the same time, but the best way to get through it is to continue looking up and never forget who is watching over you with more love than anyone could possibly fathom.
No comments:
Post a Comment