The now.

   I've done some thinking, and I have come to a realization. I am the problem. No, I am my problem. My mood depends on my attitude. Because of my own negative attitude, I am not always as happy or cheerful as I should be.
   I have decided to change my attitude. I realized that in 10,20,30,etc. years from now, none of my worries now will matter. No one is going to care about how I styled my hair or what dress I wore on October 15th, so there is no reason to worry about such matters. I decided that instead of living in my life, I am going to actively live my life.
   I am going to be a light in this world. God made me. God loves me. I am tired of letting my sulkiness forget that. I am going to live as a child of God should: happy and "carefree". I can give my worries to God, and He will provide me with what I need to survive. I know that one day, I will be "happy", but I can still be "happy" now. I do not need materialistic items or ideological views to feel better about myself. I am going to live, be free, and most importantly, be myself. God loves me for who I am. If I don't believe myself to be worth something, why should I expect other people to?
   I just want to say a special thank you to my uncle. While visiting this past weekend, he noted that I had my phone with me during the evenings. He told me that whatever I was doing won't seem all that important 10 years from now. "None of it matters." He told me that I shouldn't let myself get so caught up in something that wouldn't really matter in a few years. He also told me that he understood if I didn't want to listen to him, because he himself did not follow this advice. "I wish someone had told me this when I was your age..." That's what every adult always says. I listened to him, but even though I knew he was right, I continued whatever I was doing. I had told myself that before too, but I never really listened. I sort of tucked it in the back of my mind, thinking, it's just so important to me now... I want to fix the now.
   I have decided to "take his advice" in a way. I am going to stop searching for answers and stop trying to fix what I have broken. I have done all that I can. I am going to give myself a break, I am going to be free. Whatever happens will happen. Instead of waiting for the future, I will enjoy my time in the present. I cannot change the past, so I'm going to fix the present before it's too late. I don't want to look back on my life and think, did I really do that? What was I thinking? Why couldn't I have just done this...? From now on, I am changing my attitude. It starts with a smile. After all, smiling is contagious.
   I will slowly pick up the pieces of myself that I have shattered, and one day, I will be me again.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God,what is good and acceptable and perfect."

                                                                        Romans 12:2 (NRSV)