I just don't know.

   Sometimes, I can't help but hate myself. I refuse to hate another person, so why am I an exception? I refuse to judge a friend or foe, but why do I constantly judge myself? Am I not a child of God as well? If this is true, why do I let myself do this? I am a horrible person to myself. I work so hard to follow God and accept all His people, but somehow, I have forgotten that I am one of those people. I can say that I love every human and detest their sins, but don't I fall into that category? Why is it okay to feel so terrible about myself, especially when it causes me to question God? That is not okay. I should be happy with everything that I have. I am so fortunate, and I feel that by questioning God I am not acknowledging that.
   While this is true, I still cannot accept myself. I can accept everyone else, give everyone who has wronged me, hurt me, brought about tears, the benefit of the doubt; but I cannot even accept my own self. How twisted is that? Why am I not okay with how I look? Why am I not okay with what I have done? If I am blessed enough to have a loving family and a safe place to live, why do I still look for more? Why am I constantly criticizing myself? Why do I let myself fall into these awful cycles? Why do I let myself hate the image I see in the mirror? Why is this okay?
   This isn't okay. I wish I could stop myself, but I can't. I wish I could change, but I don't know how. I wish I could accept myself for who I am, but I don't know if I ever will. I know I am never alone, but sometimes, I feel empty. Sometimes, I look at myself and think, why? Why did I do this? How did this happen? The negativity I hold towards myself has destroyed my self-confidence. I ruined me. I ruined God's creation.
   I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to be okay. I want to feel okay. I want to look at myself and be happy with the person I am. I want to look past my imperfections and accept the image staring back at me. I can't do this alone, and thankfully, I don't have to. I want to stop doubting myself, for it not only destroys me, but also hinders my relationship with God. That is not justified under any circumstances. Anything that takes away from actively living my faith should not be tolerated. I wish it were as easy to do as it is to write.
   I don't even feel like myself anymore. I want my life back. I want my normality back. I want my happiness back. I feel as though I am merely going through the motions to get through the day. I should be grateful for everyday that I am alive, and share that happiness with everyone around me. I am failing to do so. I want to be sure of myself again. I want to feel again.