Realizing.

   So this past week has really got me thinking. I have been trying to figure out what exactly makes me happy. I know I always have God's love, and that is always enough to make me eternally happy and grateful. However, I wanted to find out what exactly it was in this world, aside from God's love, that could really put a smile on my face. For me, this past week was anything but cheery. I spent most of my days letting my thoughts wander on topics I really didn't want to think about. I usually countered those thoughts by praying and remembering how much God cares about me.
   I have realized that people come into our lives for different reasons. Today, I thought about all the people I know, then, I thought about why I know them or why they exist in my life. God doesn't put people in our lives for no reason, he doesn't make us feel a certain way just because, everything has rationale behind it. I have been trying to understand that rationale. It certainly hasn't been easy, but today, I feel like I had a revelation.
  After seriously thinking about my life, becoming angry with some of my decisions, and understanding how lucky I am to be myself, I have finally started to understand God's plan. I know what makes me happy, even if it is totally ridiculous and far-fetched. I don't really care what other people think or want me to do, I know that this is what I'm supposed to do. I actually felt God's presence in my life. I really believe he is guiding me and he truly does have a plan. I can't explain how incredible it feels. All of a sudden, things started to make sense, and I just knew.
   Even though things may not work out exactly as I hope, I know that they will work out. I know I would not feel this way if they wouldn't. I really feel like I am connecting with God and that for once, things might actually go right. I am trying hard not to think about the future, to take things one day at a time, but I can't help but wonder, hope, that maybe, just maybe, it'll end up right. I totally trust God, and I believe that he will slowly reveal more of his plan to me as time progresses. For now, I truly believe that he is looking out for me, he knows what I need, and he will provide.
   I am happy not knowing and I am okay with being unsure because I know what makes me smile. It's not going to change, and I honestly don't know if/when it will. As upset as I have become with the way the past few years of my life have spanned out, I realized that I was more frustrated with myself than anything else. I thought I was doing something wrong, but I now know that I just wasn't being patient enough. I really was happy. Even though I can remember some significant moments in which this was untrue, underneath it all, I was happy.
   Hope for the future is what kept me smiling. I was wishful and uncertain of what the future held, in all honesty, I was sure that it was not bright. Everything happens for a reason. I am discovering that reason, a little bit at a time. I would like to think everything will end perfectly and I won't have to deal with this mystery anymore, but I know that is nearly impossible. This mystery has helped me discover things about myself I never would have known before. I am really starting to understand myself, and the first lesson I have learned is that I don't need to change anything in my life to be happy. I was satisfied with the way things were, and there is no reason for me to go out and jump into anything new because the old is still incomplete.
   As much as I wish I could change the past few weeks, I know I cannot. All I can do is focus on the positive. I have realized that as much as I hate what has become of the past couple of weeks, it has really taught me a lot about myself. All I can do now is focus on the present, taking small steps, waiting for God to guide me through my next challenge.